The Misconceptions of a “Battered Woman.”

It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that I was one of those so-called “Battered Women.” Almost twenty years to be exact. And I still have but only scratched the surface.
When I think of all the tragedies and the staggering statistics I positively cringe. This is one of the reasons that I decided to share my story. If I could reach just one woman, it would totally be worth any shame I may have felt at that moment. It is a tough subject to broach with anyone. In many cases people seem to think that if they don’t talk about it that it will just go away. Well, it doesn’t go away. Even when it seems to fade off into the distance, when you think that you may have finally gained some kind of control you can find yourself stuck in a downward spiral going at about a hundred plus miles an hour. I have been there. I have seen it.
The argument had been silly, they usually were. One minute he had me by the hair my cheek pressed up against the back cushion of the couch and in the next moment he had actually flung me from the couch to the loveseat. I had been airborne. I bounced off the loveseat and hit the hardwood floor where I lay just trying to catch my breath. My head was spinning as I could not believe what had just happened. How could one explain what had just happened if they were asked? I think I was dumbfounded. More than that, I was ashamed.
I couldn’t for the life of me remember how I got from here to there. This is the only way that I can put it simply. For me Domestic Violence was a gradual thing. It didn’t happen overnight. It started with a push. The next time it was a shove. Then a slap. He liked to break things around me. I think he used that as a form of intimidation. The last and final time that I left I had returned to all of my clothes being slashed and torn. Every article of clothing I had owned had been cut in some form. Some of which were found hanging in tatters in my closet. Panties cut by the crotch. Bras cut in half. I literally had only the clothes on my back. But I had my life. That is what I told myself.
What makes a person snap? How can a man who claims in one breath that he loves you beyond measure almost literally try to choke the life out of you? There were many nights when I would lie awake and think what the hell am I doing here? What am I doing? Oh, that’s right I am married to this monster, I have his children, and damnit I don’t have anywhere to go. I was ashamed. I knew there were places to go. I had been in one of those shelters before. No, it wasn’t pretty, but neither was this. My life was spiraling out of control and once I landed I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.
The day I left was like any other day. I hadn’t planned on leaving that day but God’s plan had been greater than my own. I remember the fight that had began over a simple misunderstanding, which was not unusual. When he issued his final threat I knew he intended to make sure it happened. He’d been as calm as a cucumber when he threatened to burn down our home with me in it. Just the way he had phrased it was enough to turn my blood ice cold. That must have been the moment that I had come to realize that leaving was no longer an option. I no longer had a choice. It was simple. I either left this man or he was going to kill me.
Part of the problem is the psychological part. I always seemed to “get over” the beatings but I couldn’t get past the psychological. For the life of me I couldn’t understand how a person who claimed to love me would want to harm me in any way. Eventually the bruises went away, they would fade over time, but the psychological issues were great. I just wanted to live a normal life. I didn’t want to have to worry about when the next beating was coming or what was going to spark his temper at any given moment. I didn’t want to walk on egg shells anymore. I didn’t want to live this way and I didn’t want my children living in a hostile environment all the time.
When I say it wasn’t easy leaving I mean that. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. But there were no more choices. In order to stay alive I needed to leave. The threats didn’t magically disappear overnight. There were plenty of nights when I slept with a baseball bat by my side. That was when I decided to put my faith and my trust in God. He did not bring me this far to abandon me. I knew that in my heart. I also knew that He had heard my prayers.
Slowly but surely I began to emerge a new person. I began to make friends in my neighborhood and for the first time in a long time I didn’t have to have a lengthy explanation regarding the people I talked to and why. It was a whole new feeling. I was finally on my way to living a normal life. The kids were settling in and making friends as well. It had been an adjustment for all.
Everything didn’t come together immediately. It took time. I still had to be on my guard since my ex moved in with his parents who lived only a couple of blocks from my apartment. There were days when he would drive by close to ten times a day. The reason I had known this was because he drove a truck and he would rev the motor to make sure he had made his presence known. For the first couple of months I did not venture far from home. I was careful. After all the last time that he had attacked me I had been with my mother and sister and I thought he was going to throw me through a store front window. The police had been called but he was as slippery as an eel and had gotten away and there had been a warrant issued. It had been a scary experience for all involved. In the scuffle my mother had put herself between the both of us, something any mother would do sensing her child was in danger, and she had received a blow to the cheek.
There are many things that no one will ever know. Some of which I cannot believe had happened. Things that I have finally come to realize that I had no control over. However degrading they were it took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that I hadn’t been at fault. There had been a time when I thought that it had to be my fault. I believed that I must have really known how to push his buttons. The arguments were usually over inconsequential things, why couldn’t I just back down my position and let him blow off steam? There were times that I did back down and there were times that we went toe to toe, beating or not. The problem was that he was looking for a fight and it wouldn’t have mattered either way. I was his punching bag when he needed an outlet or emotional release. He refused counseling, said he didn’t need help. That I was the one who just didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut. For years I had believed this. But no matter what I did, it was never right. In the end there was no winning. In fact, I would have eventually lost my life had I stayed.
There are a great many people who cannot grasp this concept. Domestic Violence is a vicious circle. Almost like an endless merry-go-round which goes faster and faster until you are caught up within its cycle.
It must have taken me a couple of months to venture up the nerve to stay out past dark if I was alone. And when I did I carried objects that could have been considered weapons. I especially favored a hat pin with a pearl on the end. My grandmother had given it to me and I had worn it pinned where no one could see it. Many times, day or night I actually hibernated within my apartment afraid to come out. Afraid I was being followed. Afraid he was going to come through on his threats. Afraid that my children would grow up without a mother. The fear was an endless factor in my life at that time.
And then slowly but surely the rock was slowly lifting off of my chest and I could breathe again. There were subtle changes. I had my hair cut and styled the way that I wanted it styled. I made it a point to get out of the apartment when the children went on visitations with their father. I even started to date again, discreetly. At that time I was only looking for companionship. A nice dinner out and maybe a walk in the park. Nothing extravagant. I met a few nice guys, and I also met quite a few jerks. I was learning how to weed out the losers. I knew that I had no intentions of getting serious with anyone. I knew where my priorities were. I connected with some old friends I had gone to high school with and I started wearing more stylish clothes. I looked years younger.
My anxiety was still there but it was marginally less than it had been before. I went to a therapist who told me that I was not paranoid. And he had explained paranoia to me and said I was far from it. That too, had lessened my anxiety as well. We were on our way to living a normal life. We had some bumps along the way, nothing is ever picture perfect.
Two years later I met a wonderful man on a blind date and never in my life could imagine that I would ever marry again. Together we raised my three children, and it wasn’t always peaches and cream I can attest to that. But all in all I think we did a pretty good job with what we had. Slowly I was coming out of my shell and regaining my self esteem which had been completely shot. But never once did I forget where I came from. I sometimes can’t believe how far I have come. Somewhere along the line I became a survivor of Domestic Violence. It hadn’t been immediate. It is still difficult to articulate but I really believe that the day I sat down and wrote my first story, Living in the Midst of Domestic Violence, was the day I finally became free from all of it. To think, it had taken me almost 20 years to be able to publicly admit that I had been a victim. The chains fell off and I became a victor. Looking back at that part of my life I sometimes don’t know how I got through it but like everything in our lives, experiences such as these only make you stronger. And I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that I am not only stronger but I am truly a survivor of Domestic Violence.

Phillips, Craig & Dean - Friend of God

Better Than A Hallelujah Amy Grant

Michael W. Smith - Above All (With Lyrics)

Lead Me (Acoustic - with Lyrics) by Sanctus Real

Up-Coming Contest

Do you want to win a free copy of one of my books? Stay tuned for details. All you have to do is keep your eyes opened. All information will be posted at www.sandrastuff.com the first week of September!!! Happy Reading!!!

One Enchanted Evening

Take an exhilarating limousine ride with Jessica and Ben as they leave a company holiday party together. The cold winter night is perfect with dozens of stars set in the inky velvet sky with the sizzle of electricity in the air.






Midnight Magic

Is there a chance for happiness after domestic violence? Nick and Victoria are uncertain but when faced with some old-fashioned Midnight Magic they might rethink their positions…

Chris Tomlin - Indescribable (with Lyrics)

A taste of Midnight Magic

Meet Nick Roland. He has always played the white knight. Romance had burned him once before and with his best friend Jessica always trying to set him up with the perfect date it was a wonder he had time for anything else.
He’d heard the rumors about lovely Victoria Benson; however he could only surmise truth from fiction as they shared a landlady who liked to talk. He didn’t need complications of Victoria’s kind. No way was he going to get involved with her and her estranged boyfriend, Max who had been noted to be trouble with a capital T. However, one look in those haunted emerald green eyes had him stepping up to the plate as never before. Only this time he found his heart getting tangled up in the process.

Victoria Benson wasn’t looking for a relationship. She’d just been burned big time and there was no way that she was laying her heart on the line again. When Max up and left her with an empty apartment, a bounced rent check, among other things; she knew it was as good as over. And it was just as well as he’d put his hands on her for the last time. Of course, the order for protection she’d filed against him during their stormy relationship wasn’t worth the paper it had been written upon, and according to Max, was worthless.

Enter Nick Roland. This guy was every woman’s dream. This handsome prince knew how to treat a lady just as well as he knew how to rescue one. She could definitely drown in Nick’s deep blue eyes and she found herself drawn to him as a moth is drawn to the flame. However, it was the fear of the fire, which had her backing off.

Then Victoria’s world is turned upside down and she no longer feels safe in her own home and it’s Nick to the rescue. She trusts Nick with her physical safety but it’s no secret that she doesn’t trust him with the key to her heart. However Nick is willing to lay his heart on the line just as he is willing to risk the scorching flames for a chance to be with Victoria.

So, buckle up for the ride of a lifetime with Nick and Victoria at the wheel. Hold on tight for an explosive conclusion that will leave you positively reeling, once you catch your breath, that is…

Super Hero Powers

My husband and I often talk about Super Hero Powers. To some, you might think we were a little on the nutty side but hey, that's your opinion. As far as we are concerned we're the coolest Mema and PopPop around. We know about Superman, Batman and Ironman. To Vinnie and Nicky we are way cool because of this.

Tom would like the power of being invisible. It's an okay power, great for eavesdropping, but that is about the extent of that. My power would be to fly. I think it would be the coolest thing to get from Point A to Point B with no wait time.

This is what I had to tell myself when I got into this puddle jumper. I was using my super power. I was flying. I thought by the time the flight was over that I would have thrown myself down on the runway and kissed the ground but it had been a great flight. It had been positively euphoric and I can hardly wait to do it again.

A Mother's Love

No one will ever witness a mother’s strong will
While everyone else thinks she may be weak
That’s usually then when her strength abounds
Though her temperance might sometimes appear meek.

When they’re small she monitors their every move
In control of where they go and what they do.
She is their protection in a world so big and wide
The one when they are frightened they have run to.

Then one day she awakens and the earth has shifted
They no longer need her as they had before
So a little bit at a time she has to learn to step back
The little arguments have turned into a hard cold war.

Although she may disagree with her children’s actions
She may speak up when she thinks they’re headed for a fall
They brush aside the wisdom she tries to share
As they have now erected an insurmountable wall.

Sometimes she has to construct her own wall of defense
While she prays to God to bestow His strength from above
Keeping carefully guarded boundaries between mother and wife
While ever prayerful she has to put into effect some tough love.

The pain grips her heart as she feels powerless to help
And while her heart hurts to turn the other cheek
She knows if she doesn’t she will be just another enabler
So she digs her heels in when they accuse her of being weak.

She stands beside her husband to provide a united front
Though he doesn’t seem to feel the same intensity of pain
But a mother’s love runs deeper than any ocean
And she knows that these relationships will come through the rain.

As she stands unwavering while waiting for that break in the clouds
Wondering if there will be just a glimmer of some sunlight
She has faith that the light will eventually come bursting through
While keeping the Lord’s precious promises well within her sight.

Songs that make you go back in time…

Let me catch a snippet of a catchy tune. There goes that toe tapping and in the next breath I am lost in another place in time. The songs I gravitate to are the ones that I can completely identify with. I am on the same page as the writer. This person felt something; the same something that we share because I felt it too.

I already know that I am a hopeless romantic. A complete mush for a love story with some steamy scenes in between. “Keep it clean.”
All right! But there has to be passion. There has to be that magnetic pull. That satisfying ahhhh when the handsome hero pulls the heroine into his arms and she positively melts. You have to experience this. You have to live this.

Your first kiss, your first heart pounding, and your first fluttering butterflies you will remember FOREVER. Don’t fight it because you won’t win. Just cherish the memory and remember with a smile. And I do.

“Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?” Fergie

“In my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky. In my heart there will always be a place for you for all my life. I’ll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you’ll be.” Faith Hill (This is one of my all time favorites)

Sometimes all we can do is move forward. That is not to say that we won’t look back. The only difference now is that I am not looking back in regret. I’m looking back with a smile and a thank you. Because like Faith Hill sings ~ “I’ll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you’ll be.”

25 Years = 25 Seconds

I needed to post this today! It had to be today! I wore purple today!

04-22-2010

Cryin' for me Wayman's song

Forever Purple Flowers

Remembering a special place
It wasn’t just a phase
Memories crystal clear
Never again will I fear

The flowers were in full bloom
When our love became our doom
Even as I have searched
My heart gives a sudden lurch

I will always remember
My first love – so very tender
A crazy world wind affair
The fond memories I’ll hold dear

Separated not only by the miles
I will remember your sweet smile
God’s promise for tomorrow
Forever purple flowers


25 Years = 25 Seconds in Heaven
04-22-2010

Official Teaser for Midnight Magic

“Let me get this straight.” He took in a deep breath and turned on his side so that he was gazing into her beautiful stormy eyes. “You think that things have changed because I haven’t put any moves on you.” He paused. “When I thought that you didn’t want me to put the moves on you.”
A smile graced her lips. “You make it sound…”
“Do you think that I don’t want to?”
She opened her mouth then clamped it shut. “Because that is the furthest from the truth. I have to take a cold shower every night because I am always overheating whenever I’m around you.” He pulled a careless hand through his hair although his eyes never left hers. And then he was moving closer. To his surprise as well as delight she did not back off but stood her ground. “I’m going to…”
Victoria didn’t give him time to finish that sentence as she pressed her lips to his in order to receive his kiss. At the last possible second, she closed her eyes as Nick thoroughly explored her mouth with a hunger that could no longer be contained.

Fall Out

We can sit here and rehash every damned thing we ever said or done but what will that change? Not a damned thing. I’ve been searching my whole life for the answers and they simply elude me. I haven’t given up hope but I’m sitting back and taking a breather. The heart is a funny thing. One minute it can be as tough as nails and then just as quickly a sharp word can cause a gash that can actually bleed out. We are all guilty of opening our mouths without thinking of the fallout. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how you slice it that sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow and facing it is ten times worse. My days of walking on eggshells are gone forever. Sure, I think about what I’m going to say before I say it but sometimes when someone hurts us we lash out wanting to hurt them back.
When I was in my twenties, I must have been delusional. Thirties, just getting the falling in love forever thing and the forties... Well, the forties have me rethinking everything I have ever said and everything I have ever done in my life. I think the realization hit me when I recognized the real reason I may have started writing to begin with. It makes perfect sense to some degree. I was hurting deeply when it all began and felt the need to let the pain flow from my heart to the paper, the pen being the medium from which it flowed. And I must admit it helped to some degree. It never eased the pain in my heart from losing that special someone I had loved so dearly. It had only made it more bearable. And that is the most sense that I can make out of it, almost twenty-five years after the fact.
If I ever decided to sit down and write my life story it would never make the first cut, either that or my heart may bleed out before I even hit the teenage years. Yet, I have gotten through it and know that God had always been there, always had his hand on my life, even when I had walked away from him.
In the last year or so I find that I am finally seeing people for who they are. I’m looking at how life is but a drop in the bucket while I also feel like I am running out of time. I seem to be racing against this unknown force, which I gather might be time and I feel as though I am falling so far behind.
We need to do the best with what we have. I have always been a survivor and I know I will continue to be. I also strive for bigger and better goals. Quitting is/was never an option. Sometimes you need to move on from the point that you are at. You can’t go back so you need to go on from exactly where you are. I know they say that tomorrow is another day, but sometimes tomorrow never comes. Morbid, no! Reality, yes!
So, maybe we should do the following:
Sing like no one can hear you.
Dance like no one is watching.
Laugh out loud.
Look around at God’s masterpiece in awe.
Love without conditions.
Never, go to bed angry.
Life is too short so get out there and create some new memories!