Sandra's Stuff

Past Reflections

2012-01-21T21:11:00.000-05:00

Past Reflections - Pending Publication Date - May 2012

Taking a position at beautiful Camp Wiskle was anything but relaxing. Julie Finch longed to get away and forget about her complicated life. When it finally looks like she might be able to pick up the pieces of her broken heart memories of a first love invade her every thought. Meeting Kevin gave her a reason to smile but it was memories of Scott that had her holding on to something she wasn’t sure she had ever let go of in the first place.

Breaking up had been hard and time was not making it any easier. Just when Julie summons the courage to put her cards on the table with Scott tragedy strikes. Through it all Kevin is there. Can Julie look ahead to some kind of future with Kevin or will the memories of Scott prevent her from moving ahead?

SCATTERED MEMORIES

2011-12-07T19:25:00.004-05:00

“She’s coming around.” A voice came out of the darkness. And then there were bright lights surrounding Lori. Someone was holding her down.
“Let go of me.” She struggled against the hold while squeezing her eyes closed. Then she couldn’t fight as a warm sensation trickled through her veins. “Don’t…” Was the last word to escape her parched lips before she fell once again into oblivion.

Slowly Lori opened her eyes and allowed them to adjust to the warm hues of green surrounding her. She was in a hospital bed with an IV pole attached right above her. All was quiet and the blinds allowed only a sliver of sunlight to gain entrance. “Good morning.” A matronly nurse in a starched white uniform smiled. “You’ve had a nice nap.” Her blue eyes had crinkles in the corners.
“Where am I?” Lori croaked.
“You’re at County Medical. And you’ve been here about a week.”
“A week.” Lori tried to sit up but the pain in her head had her back down on the pillows.
“Dr. Andrews will answer all of your questions. You need to remain calm.”
She rocked on her heels crossing her arms against her ample bosom. “My name is Peg and I’m your nurse.”
“I can’t remember…”
“It will come back. In bits and pieces but for now all you need to do is lie still and I will summon the doctor for you.”
Lori took a deep breath. She was too tired to argue. Too tired to get out of bed. Too tired to care. “How is our patient today?” A young doctor entered the room carrying a clipboard. “Good morning.” He smiled down at her with warm brown eyes. “I am Dr. Andrews.”
“What happened?”
“You don’t remember?”
“No.”
“You were in an accident.” He paused. “Your husband will be so happy to…”
Husband! “I’m not married.”
“What do you remember?” He pulled up a chair and took a seat beside the bed. “Peg, why don’t you get Mrs. Davis some breakfast?”
“I remember shopping with my mother.”
“Uh huh… What else?”
“We were shopping for dresses for my brother’s wedding…”
“Who’s your date for your brother’s wedding?”
Lori took a deep breath and rubbed her head. Think! Think! Her mind screamed. “I’m not sure…”
“That’s all right Mrs. Davis.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“What would you like for me to call you?”
“Lori.”
“Okay Lori.” He placed the clipboard into his lap after scribbling a few notes. “Tell me about your family.”
“Has my mother been here?”
Dr. Andrews cleared his throat. “Well?” She demanded.
“Your husband is the only one who has been here.”
“And I told you that I’m not married.” Lori forced through clenched teeth. “I am so out of here.” She threw the covers back angrily but the sight that greeted her was that of disbelief. Her once slim beautiful legs were now bruised, swollen, and ugly. Her breath caught. “Oh God.” Fear swept through her entire body. “What… I don’t understand… I can’t remember… Please…”
“Your body is going to need time to heal.” Dr. Andrews replaced the white cotton blanket which had covered her frail but marred body. “As will your mind need time to remember. And you will.”
“Can you contact my mother?”
“No.” Dr. Andrews gained his full six feet his eyes softening still. “Your mother passed away five years ago.”

Louis Davis rubbed his eyes wearily. He’d hardly slept in the last week, ever since Lori’s accident. “Daddy…” Pamela slapped the brush down onto the table with a thwack. “Brush my hair like Mommy does.”
“Please.” Louis corrected his daughter with a smile.
“Please.” She returned a smile.
“I’ll try my best.” Louis sat his five year old daughter at the table and gently brushed her long dark curls.
“Mommy does it bestest.”
“Better.”
“When can I see Mommy?”
He got down on his haunches beside her. “Mommy had an accident Pumpkin.”
“I miss her.”
“Me too.” Louis gave his daughter a quick hug. “Let’s get ready for school.”
“I want to see Mommy first.” Her little chin quivered. It was remarkable how much his daughter favored his looks and at this point it was a good thing. Damnit Lori! How could you have been so damned careless!
Just then the doorbell rang, cutting into the rest of his thoughts. “That must be Melissa.” Melissa was Pamela’s babysitter and had been since she had been an infant.
“I want to see Mommy.”
“I will ask the doctor okay?”
“Kay.” She scooted down from the table and headed for the other room where Melissa had quietly let herself in.

Lori stared out the window hardly touching her breakfast. Her mother had passed away five years ago! How did one lose five years of their life without one flicker of a thought? Dr. Andrews came back after completing rounds. “I need to know what happened to me.” Lori stated simply. “All the facts. I don’t even know who my husband is…”
“Your husband is Louis Davis. He owns…”
“Davis Automotive.”
Dr. Andrews perked up. “Everyone knows that.” Lori added as an after thought. I remember Kevin Davis. I went to school with him. But I don’t remember Louis…”
“Your brother went to school with Louis.” He stated simply. “These things take time. The important thing is that you are recovering. What is the last thing you can actually remember?”
“I remember going shopping. My mom had her fitting…” She scratched her head absently. “What happened to the last five years?” Her voice broke. “My husband… Has he come to see me?”
“Every day.”
“My brother is overseas. Military.”
“Did you want to see Louis today?”
Her breath caught in her throat. How could she admit to this doctor, a stranger, that she was scared to death of seeing this man she had no recollection of? Maybe he was hoping it would jog her memory. “Maybe a nice warm shower and you can make yourself pretty for your visit.”
Lori swept her long blonde hair to the side as Peg came through the door with a manila folder which she handed to the doctor. “Thanks.” He opened the file to the very first page. “I was hoping you can help Lori take a shower so that she can have a visit with her husband.”
“Of course.”
Dr. Andrews spread out a couple of photos on the tray before her. There was a photo of her parents, both deceased. There was a wedding picture of her brother Johnny and his lovely wife Camille. Then there was a photo of Lori dancing with a good looking man. He fit the bill of tall dark and handsome. What a cliché. “Do you know this man?”
“No.”
He took the picture back and placed two more in its place. “How about these?”
“This is Kevin.” She pushed it towards the doctor. “I don’t know the other.”
“You’re right about Kevin. This is Josh, another brother.” He withdrew another photo from the file. “This is Louis.” He handed her back the first picture he had showed her.
“I don’t remember.” Her breath caught and her bottom lip trembled with emotion. “I married this man five years ago…”
“Seven.”
“Seven…” She echoed
“You’re mom passed away five years ago.”
The man, Louis Davis, was drop dead gorgeous. Why would he have wanted to marry her? “I have a marriage certificate here somewhere.”

Louis cleared his schedule with Melissa. He would be spending the day at the hospital. Lori had awakened and he needed to be there. Dr. Andrews said something about her memory lapsing although he hadn’t gone into detail. All he wanted was to make sure that Lori was all right and would be ready to come home to them. “Not much to ask for.” He sneered with contempt as he pulled his Lexis into a parking spot in the visitor parking lot.

Lori sat in the chair as Peg helped her shower. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so alone. Her legs weren’t working and her mind wasn’t working either. She enjoyed feeling the water on her face and the soap bubbles racing down her back. She washed her own hair and lathered her body with the bar of soap that Peg had supplied.
Thank goodness for some privacy. While Peg turned her back Lori gripped the chair and slowly pulled herself up. The pain in her legs was great but at least she could feel it. “What are you doing?” Peg pushed her back down into the chair.
“I just wanted to see if I could stand…”
“You’ll be walking around in no time. I thought Dr. Andrews explained your injuries.”
“I was worried about not remembering…”
“It’s okay Sweetie. You’re young. You’ll make a complete recovery.”
How could she explain what she was feeling? She was going to see her husband today. A husband she knew nothing about. “Let’s get you into something pretty.” She placed a cotton blanket around Lori’s petite form as she was shivering with cold. “Your husband brought so many pretty things I am sure there is something here that you’ll like.”
Once Lori was dressed in a pretty purple nightgown she sat by the window. It was a sunny day with a bright blue sky. After brushing her hair she closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth on her face.
Scattered pictures danced before her mind’s eye. Louis Davis. She had married well. Wearily she sighed as she heard the door open. Please let me remember something. Anything. Please. “Hello Lori.”
His voice was as smooth as melting butterscotch. “Sweetheart.”
She opened her eyes as he knelt down beside her chair. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.
“It’s all right.” He placed a gentle hand to her cheek. “I’ve been so worried.”
Lori found herself drowning in those deep brown eyes. “You’ve got some color.” He smiled and her heart melted. It was easy to see what had attracted her to this man.
The moment their lips touched it was somehow familiar. Scattered memories raced across her mind in a whirlwind. She remembered being held in this man’s arms. Dancing with him. Laughing with him. And just as she had remembered everything good she suddenly remembered the betrayal.
Lori had come across some personal items from the closed adoption. She also happened upon Pamela’s birth certificate which should have been sealed with the adoption. Seeing Louis’ name on the birth certificate had taken her aback but that had been nothing compared to seeing Melissa’s name entered as Pamela’s biological mother. That was when she had realized that their marriage had been built on lies. The entire truth had sent her over the edge. Before leaving the house she had confronted him with the proof.

“I’m sorry Lori. Yes, I should have told you the truth. We both wanted a baby. You couldn’t get pregnant…”
“So, this is my fault…”
“Of course not…”
“You didn’t trust me enough…”
“Yeah right.” Louis returned sarcastically. “And you would have continued to raise Pammy…”
“Yes damnit, I would have. I love Pammy.” She held up a hand as he moved closer. “Not this time Louis. You can’t make this better with a couple of kisses and sweet words.” Lori stood her ground.
“You’re leaving us.”
“I need some time to think.” And with that said she stormed out.

Tears ran down her cheeks as Louis granted her space. “Pammy misses her mommy.”
“I’m not her mommy.”
“Yes, you are. You always have been.”
“I need more than that.”
“Whatever you want Lori.”
“I want honesty.”
“The truth hurts.”
“Lies hurt more.”
“I love you.”
“Prove it.” Lori paused. “We need to go into counseling.”
“Therapy?”
“Take it or leave it.”
“We can try therapy.” He took her hand gently within his own. “I love you Lori and I love all that we have built together.”
“It’s going to be hard work.”
“We’re worth it.”
“Yes we are.” Lori kissed her husband.

Coming Home for Christmas

2011-11-27T20:08:00.003-05:00

I'm going in a completely different direction with this one and I am loving these characters. Especially Mrs. Winston. This is one feisty Grandma and she is on a mission!!! Enjoy the prologue and leave some feedback as it is always appreciated.

Twenty years was a long time to stay away. Melanie Winston realized that fact the moment she stepped foot into the state of New Jersey. She had been gone for too long and so much had changed. The cab ride from the airport had certainly proven to be an eye opener. There was no time for nostalgia she realized as a small flurry surrounded the cab as they sped into the night heading straight for a past she had thought dead and buried.

Robert McGowan loaded his tools into the van early Saturday morning. Normally he didn’t work on the weekends but this had been an emergency appointment in the area for one of his prominent customers. As he flexed his shoulders he took a look around at the light dusting of snow that had fallen overnight. Not enough to make a mess but enough to make going without heat even for a couple of hours unbearable.

Leaving town twenty years earlier had been bad enough. Although her parents had made the decision and Melanie hadn’t a choice in the matter did little to ease the suffering it had caused. Now it seemed that no matter which way Melanie could slice it this trip had been long overdue. Truth be known she had missed her grandmother terribly and it had been unfair for all concerned. There were too many deep dark secrets that could be uncovered upon her return. She just had to make sure that she kept to herself for the couple of weeks she would be in town. That shouldn’t prove difficult. When she went back home she wanted to go back with a clear conscious and more importantly an intact heart.

The Million Dollar Question...

2011-06-20T20:54:00.001-04:00

Sandra Bonaldi – The Million Dollar Question…

I’ve been asked many times – “Why do you write?”
It’s a loaded question with many answers. I didn’t choose to write – I had to write! I will always remember the night when it all began. I spent the evening alone, the kids already in bed as it was late. Joey was four, Jackie, two, and Mark, three months old. I was in bed and sleep was a long way off.
One minute I was all right and the next the tears were bubbling up as though a wellspring about to explode.
For years I had been kidding myself. I had been living a lie. I had three beautiful children, a nice home, yet I wasn’t happy. My heart was far from okay and was feeling a loss that even I could not comprehend. I prayed as never before and with a pen and paper the words spilled forth as they had never done before. The words were bursting forth from a broken heart and they demanded their story be told. And I put them down the best way I knew how. The only way I could put them down. They were the truth turned inside out.

Contemporary Romance seemed to be my comfort zone. After all, who could resist the hero sweeping in just in time to save his damsel in distress? There had to be that happily ever after…

At first I kept my writing a secret. After all, in my opinion it was just a bunch of jumbled up emotion coming from a broken heart. Most of it was run on sentences of raw emotion. Digging deeply into something that could not be explained because there was no rhyme just as there was no reason.

My writing was something all my own. As far as I was concerned no one needed to know, and for close to a year I was able to keep it under wraps. I was keeping a journal and writing some poetry. When I decided to actually write a book I knew it was not going to be an easy feat. But I fell in love with the characters. I laughed with them and I cried with them. To me they were real and I thought of them as real people.

Write what you know. I knew something about young love and I certainly knew about heart break. Put them together and Past Reflections was born. It was a labor of love. It was what I referred to as my “therapy book!”

Blessings - Laura Story - LYRICS

2011-06-06T21:45:00.000-04:00

Blessings -

2011-06-06T21:40:00.002-04:00

Sometimes they don't come packaged in a pretty bow. I've experienced this and know it to be true. I have shared this song with almost everyone I know and it is touching. I just need to keep looking up and believing that everything WILL turn out all right because it is what God had promised me and sometimes that is all we have to hold onto...

Better Than A Hallelujah Amy Grant

2011-04-09T21:56:00.000-04:00

Personal Needs Allowance: (Personal Needs Allowance)

2011-02-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

Personal Needs Allowance: (Personal Needs Allowance): " The importanc..."

26 Years Ago Today…

2011-01-20T15:31:00.001-05:00

26 Years Ago Today…

January 20, 1985 at 12:30 PM a baby boy was born. It was a cold Sunday. I landed in the hospital about 3:00 AM. Was not supposed to go into labor but if you know me, nothing ever runs according to plan. Still doesn’t…

I was scheduled to go in for a C-Section on the 31st of December but Mark Gilbert had other plans. He wanted OUT.

My previous two C-Sections with Joe and Jackie I had opted to get knocked out, medicated but for some reason with Mark I decided I was staying awake for that one. There were also other factors involved. If you were going under you couldn’t have anyone accompany you into the delivery room. Basically, you were on your own. This happened to be the end result anyway. I went in alone and I remember watching the clock.

I remember the epidural. It took three nurses to sit me up and hold me completely still. You cannot move a muscle. My first argument was wearing my socks into the O.R. Funny, the things you remember. I was NOT taking my socks off and that was it. Needless to say I won that battle. If only wearing your socks was the long and short of it.

Nothing went according to plan with Mark as he had his own ideas about how he was making his grand entrance. And some things just never change!

The O.R. was sterile and bright. I watched every minute click by on that big white clock. There was a team of doctors. I remember one young doctor in particular, handsome with an excellent bedside manner. For some reason I had been taken aback when they told me I had another little boy. Had I expected a girl? I was just so glad he was healthy and screaming his little head off. I got a glimpse of him, was assured he was all right, and was immediately knocked out.

No matter what else you always remember holding your baby for the very first time. It becomes a memory that not only gets imbedded into your mind but into your heart as well. Every year when that special day rolls around my mind goes back to another place in time….

Mark, twenty-six years ago today…

And you retell the story that has been a part of you for so long that you do come to realize that the pains of labor disappeared and were replaced with the bundle of joy that had been placed in my arms twenty six years ago today…

I love you Mark!
God Bless you!

The Misconceptions of a “Battered Woman.”

2010-11-01T20:30:00.000-04:00

It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that I was one of those so-called “Battered Women.” Almost twenty years to be exact. And I still have but only scratched the surface.
When I think of all the tragedies and the staggering statistics I positively cringe. This is one of the reasons that I decided to share my story. If I could reach just one woman, it would totally be worth any shame I may have felt at that moment. It is a tough subject to broach with anyone. In many cases people seem to think that if they don’t talk about it that it will just go away. Well, it doesn’t go away. Even when it seems to fade off into the distance, when you think that you may have finally gained some kind of control you can find yourself stuck in a downward spiral going at about a hundred plus miles an hour. I have been there. I have seen it.
The argument had been silly, they usually were. One minute he had me by the hair my cheek pressed up against the back cushion of the couch and in the next moment he had actually flung me from the couch to the loveseat. I had been airborne. I bounced off the loveseat and hit the hardwood floor where I lay just trying to catch my breath. My head was spinning as I could not believe what had just happened. How could one explain what had just happened if they were asked? I think I was dumbfounded. More than that, I was ashamed.
I couldn’t for the life of me remember how I got from here to there. This is the only way that I can put it simply. For me Domestic Violence was a gradual thing. It didn’t happen overnight. It started with a push. The next time it was a shove. Then a slap. He liked to break things around me. I think he used that as a form of intimidation. The last and final time that I left I had returned to all of my clothes being slashed and torn. Every article of clothing I had owned had been cut in some form. Some of which were found hanging in tatters in my closet. Panties cut by the crotch. Bras cut in half. I literally had only the clothes on my back. But I had my life. That is what I told myself.
What makes a person snap? How can a man who claims in one breath that he loves you beyond measure almost literally try to choke the life out of you? There were many nights when I would lie awake and think what the hell am I doing here? What am I doing? Oh, that’s right I am married to this monster, I have his children, and damnit I don’t have anywhere to go. I was ashamed. I knew there were places to go. I had been in one of those shelters before. No, it wasn’t pretty, but neither was this. My life was spiraling out of control and once I landed I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.
The day I left was like any other day. I hadn’t planned on leaving that day but God’s plan had been greater than my own. I remember the fight that had began over a simple misunderstanding, which was not unusual. When he issued his final threat I knew he intended to make sure it happened. He’d been as calm as a cucumber when he threatened to burn down our home with me in it. Just the way he had phrased it was enough to turn my blood ice cold. That must have been the moment that I had come to realize that leaving was no longer an option. I no longer had a choice. It was simple. I either left this man or he was going to kill me.
Part of the problem is the psychological part. I always seemed to “get over” the beatings but I couldn’t get past the psychological. For the life of me I couldn’t understand how a person who claimed to love me would want to harm me in any way. Eventually the bruises went away, they would fade over time, but the psychological issues were great. I just wanted to live a normal life. I didn’t want to have to worry about when the next beating was coming or what was going to spark his temper at any given moment. I didn’t want to walk on egg shells anymore. I didn’t want to live this way and I didn’t want my children living in a hostile environment all the time.
When I say it wasn’t easy leaving I mean that. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. But there were no more choices. In order to stay alive I needed to leave. The threats didn’t magically disappear overnight. There were plenty of nights when I slept with a baseball bat by my side. That was when I decided to put my faith and my trust in God. He did not bring me this far to abandon me. I knew that in my heart. I also knew that He had heard my prayers.
Slowly but surely I began to emerge a new person. I began to make friends in my neighborhood and for the first time in a long time I didn’t have to have a lengthy explanation regarding the people I talked to and why. It was a whole new feeling. I was finally on my way to living a normal life. The kids were settling in and making friends as well. It had been an adjustment for all.
Everything didn’t come together immediately. It took time. I still had to be on my guard since my ex moved in with his parents who lived only a couple of blocks from my apartment. There were days when he would drive by close to ten times a day. The reason I had known this was because he drove a truck and he would rev the motor to make sure he had made his presence known. For the first couple of months I did not venture far from home. I was careful. After all the last time that he had attacked me I had been with my mother and sister and I thought he was going to throw me through a store front window. The police had been called but he was as slippery as an eel and had gotten away and there had been a warrant issued. It had been a scary experience for all involved. In the scuffle my mother had put herself between the both of us, something any mother would do sensing her child was in danger, and she had received a blow to the cheek.
There are many things that no one will ever know. Some of which I cannot believe had happened. Things that I have finally come to realize that I had no control over. However degrading they were it took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that I hadn’t been at fault. There had been a time when I thought that it had to be my fault. I believed that I must have really known how to push his buttons. The arguments were usually over inconsequential things, why couldn’t I just back down my position and let him blow off steam? There were times that I did back down and there were times that we went toe to toe, beating or not. The problem was that he was looking for a fight and it wouldn’t have mattered either way. I was his punching bag when he needed an outlet or emotional release. He refused counseling, said he didn’t need help. That I was the one who just didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut. For years I had believed this. But no matter what I did, it was never right. In the end there was no winning. In fact, I would have eventually lost my life had I stayed.
There are a great many people who cannot grasp this concept. Domestic Violence is a vicious circle. Almost like an endless merry-go-round which goes faster and faster until you are caught up within its cycle.
It must have taken me a couple of months to venture up the nerve to stay out past dark if I was alone. And when I did I carried objects that could have been considered weapons. I especially favored a hat pin with a pearl on the end. My grandmother had given it to me and I had worn it pinned where no one could see it. Many times, day or night I actually hibernated within my apartment afraid to come out. Afraid I was being followed. Afraid he was going to come through on his threats. Afraid that my children would grow up without a mother. The fear was an endless factor in my life at that time.
And then slowly but surely the rock was slowly lifting off of my chest and I could breathe again. There were subtle changes. I had my hair cut and styled the way that I wanted it styled. I made it a point to get out of the apartment when the children went on visitations with their father. I even started to date again, discreetly. At that time I was only looking for companionship. A nice dinner out and maybe a walk in the park. Nothing extravagant. I met a few nice guys, and I also met quite a few jerks. I was learning how to weed out the losers. I knew that I had no intentions of getting serious with anyone. I knew where my priorities were. I connected with some old friends I had gone to high school with and I started wearing more stylish clothes. I looked years younger.
My anxiety was still there but it was marginally less than it had been before. I went to a therapist who told me that I was not paranoid. And he had explained paranoia to me and said I was far from it. That too, had lessened my anxiety as well. We were on our way to living a normal life. We had some bumps along the way, nothing is ever picture perfect.
Two years later I met a wonderful man on a blind date and never in my life could imagine that I would ever marry again. Together we raised my three children, and it wasn’t always peaches and cream I can attest to that. But all in all I think we did a pretty good job with what we had. Slowly I was coming out of my shell and regaining my self esteem which had been completely shot. But never once did I forget where I came from. I sometimes can’t believe how far I have come. Somewhere along the line I became a survivor of Domestic Violence. It hadn’t been immediate. It is still difficult to articulate but I really believe that the day I sat down and wrote my first story, Living in the Midst of Domestic Violence, was the day I finally became free from all of it. To think, it had taken me almost 20 years to be able to publicly admit that I had been a victim. The chains fell off and I became a victor. Looking back at that part of my life I sometimes don’t know how I got through it but like everything in our lives, experiences such as these only make you stronger. And I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that I am not only stronger but I am truly a survivor of Domestic Violence.

Phillips, Craig & Dean - Friend of God

2010-10-31T21:39:00.000-04:00

Better Than A Hallelujah Amy Grant

2010-10-25T21:20:00.000-04:00

Michael W. Smith - Above All (With Lyrics)

2010-09-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

Lead Me (Acoustic - with Lyrics) by Sanctus Real

2010-08-26T14:10:00.002-04:00

Up-Coming Contest

2010-08-25T21:59:00.009-04:00

Do you want to win a free copy of one of my books? Stay tuned for details. All you have to do is keep your eyes opened. All information will be posted at www.sandrastuff.com the first week of September!!! Happy Reading!!!

One Enchanted Evening

Take an exhilarating limousine ride with Jessica and Ben as they leave a company holiday party together. The cold winter night is perfect with dozens of stars set in the inky velvet sky with the sizzle of electricity in the air.

Midnight Magic

Is there a chance for happiness after domestic violence? Nick and Victoria are uncertain but when faced with some old-fashioned Midnight Magic they might rethink their positions…

Chris Tomlin - Indescribable (with Lyrics)

2010-07-29T19:13:00.001-04:00

A taste of Midnight Magic

2010-07-23T22:28:00.003-04:00

Meet Nick Roland. He has always played the white knight. Romance had burned him once before and with his best friend Jessica always trying to set him up with the perfect date it was a wonder he had time for anything else.
He’d heard the rumors about lovely Victoria Benson; however he could only surmise truth from fiction as they shared a landlady who liked to talk. He didn’t need complications of Victoria’s kind. No way was he going to get involved with her and her estranged boyfriend, Max who had been noted to be trouble with a capital T. However, one look in those haunted emerald green eyes had him stepping up to the plate as never before. Only this time he found his heart getting tangled up in the process.

Victoria Benson wasn’t looking for a relationship. She’d just been burned big time and there was no way that she was laying her heart on the line again. When Max up and left her with an empty apartment, a bounced rent check, among other things; she knew it was as good as over. And it was just as well as he’d put his hands on her for the last time. Of course, the order for protection she’d filed against him during their stormy relationship wasn’t worth the paper it had been written upon, and according to Max, was worthless.

Enter Nick Roland. This guy was every woman’s dream. This handsome prince knew how to treat a lady just as well as he knew how to rescue one. She could definitely drown in Nick’s deep blue eyes and she found herself drawn to him as a moth is drawn to the flame. However, it was the fear of the fire, which had her backing off.

Then Victoria’s world is turned upside down and she no longer feels safe in her own home and it’s Nick to the rescue. She trusts Nick with her physical safety but it’s no secret that she doesn’t trust him with the key to her heart. However Nick is willing to lay his heart on the line just as he is willing to risk the scorching flames for a chance to be with Victoria.

So, buckle up for the ride of a lifetime with Nick and Victoria at the wheel. Hold on tight for an explosive conclusion that will leave you positively reeling, once you catch your breath, that is…

Super Hero Powers

2010-06-12T16:02:00.004-04:00

My husband and I often talk about Super Hero Powers. To some, you might think we were a little on the nutty side but hey, that's your opinion. As far as we are concerned we're the coolest Mema and PopPop around. We know about Superman, Batman and Ironman. To Vinnie and Nicky we are way cool because of this.

Tom would like the power of being invisible. It's an okay power, great for eavesdropping, but that is about the extent of that. My power would be to fly. I think it would be the coolest thing to get from Point A to Point B with no wait time.

This is what I had to tell myself when I got into this puddle jumper. I was using my super power. I was flying. I thought by the time the flight was over that I would have thrown myself down on the runway and kissed the ground but it had been a great flight. It had been positively euphoric and I can hardly wait to do it again.

A Mother's Love

2010-06-08T15:46:00.002-04:00

No one will ever witness a mother’s strong will
While everyone else thinks she may be weak
That’s usually then when her strength abounds
Though her temperance might sometimes appear meek.

When they’re small she monitors their every move
In control of where they go and what they do.
She is their protection in a world so big and wide
The one when they are frightened they have run to.

Then one day she awakens and the earth has shifted
They no longer need her as they had before
So a little bit at a time she has to learn to step back
The little arguments have turned into a hard cold war.

Although she may disagree with her children’s actions
She may speak up when she thinks they’re headed for a fall
They brush aside the wisdom she tries to share
As they have now erected an insurmountable wall.

Sometimes she has to construct her own wall of defense
While she prays to God to bestow His strength from above
Keeping carefully guarded boundaries between mother and wife
While ever prayerful she has to put into effect some tough love.

The pain grips her heart as she feels powerless to help
And while her heart hurts to turn the other cheek
She knows if she doesn’t she will be just another enabler
So she digs her heels in when they accuse her of being weak.

She stands beside her husband to provide a united front
Though he doesn’t seem to feel the same intensity of pain
But a mother’s love runs deeper than any ocean
And she knows that these relationships will come through the rain.

As she stands unwavering while waiting for that break in the clouds
Wondering if there will be just a glimmer of some sunlight
She has faith that the light will eventually come bursting through
While keeping the Lord’s precious promises well within her sight.

Songs that make you go back in time…

2010-05-08T17:25:00.000-04:00

Let me catch a snippet of a catchy tune. There goes that toe tapping and in the next breath I am lost in another place in time. The songs I gravitate to are the ones that I can completely identify with. I am on the same page as the writer. This person felt something; the same something that we share because I felt it too.

I already know that I am a hopeless romantic. A complete mush for a love story with some steamy scenes in between. “Keep it clean.”
All right! But there has to be passion. There has to be that magnetic pull. That satisfying ahhhh when the handsome hero pulls the heroine into his arms and she positively melts. You have to experience this. You have to live this.

Your first kiss, your first heart pounding, and your first fluttering butterflies you will remember FOREVER. Don’t fight it because you won’t win. Just cherish the memory and remember with a smile. And I do.

“Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?” Fergie

“In my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky. In my heart there will always be a place for you for all my life. I’ll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you’ll be.” Faith Hill (This is one of my all time favorites)

Sometimes all we can do is move forward. That is not to say that we won’t look back. The only difference now is that I am not looking back in regret. I’m looking back with a smile and a thank you. Because like Faith Hill sings ~ “I’ll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there you’ll be.”

25 Years = 25 Seconds

2010-04-22T12:31:00.004-04:00

I needed to post this today! It had to be today! I wore purple today!

04-22-2010

Cryin' for me Wayman's song

2010-04-19T15:48:00.000-04:00

Forever Purple Flowers

2010-04-18T14:33:00.012-04:00

Remembering a special place
It wasn’t just a phase
Memories crystal clear
Never again will I fear

The flowers were in full bloom
When our love became our doom
Even as I have searched
My heart gives a sudden lurch

I will always remember
My first love – so very tender
A crazy world wind affair
The fond memories I’ll hold dear

Separated not only by the miles
I will remember your sweet smile
God’s promise for tomorrow
Forever purple flowers

25 Years = 25 Seconds in Heaven
04-22-2010

Official Teaser for Midnight Magic

2010-02-25T13:47:00.000-05:00

“Let me get this straight.” He took in a deep breath and turned on his side so that he was gazing into her beautiful stormy eyes. “You think that things have changed because I haven’t put any moves on you.” He paused. “When I thought that you didn’t want me to put the moves on you.”
A smile graced her lips. “You make it sound…”
“Do you think that I don’t want to?”
She opened her mouth then clamped it shut. “Because that is the furthest from the truth. I have to take a cold shower every night because I am always overheating whenever I’m around you.” He pulled a careless hand through his hair although his eyes never left hers. And then he was moving closer. To his surprise as well as delight she did not back off but stood her ground. “I’m going to…”
Victoria didn’t give him time to finish that sentence as she pressed her lips to his in order to receive his kiss. At the last possible second, she closed her eyes as Nick thoroughly explored her mouth with a hunger that could no longer be contained.

Fall Out

2010-02-21T14:41:00.002-05:00

We can sit here and rehash every damned thing we ever said or done but what will that change? Not a damned thing. I’ve been searching my whole life for the answers and they simply elude me. I haven’t given up hope but I’m sitting back and taking a breather. The heart is a funny thing. One minute it can be as tough as nails and then just as quickly a sharp word can cause a gash that can actually bleed out. We are all guilty of opening our mouths without thinking of the fallout. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how you slice it that sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow and facing it is ten times worse. My days of walking on eggshells are gone forever. Sure, I think about what I’m going to say before I say it but sometimes when someone hurts us we lash out wanting to hurt them back.
When I was in my twenties, I must have been delusional. Thirties, just getting the falling in love forever thing and the forties... Well, the forties have me rethinking everything I have ever said and everything I have ever done in my life. I think the realization hit me when I recognized the real reason I may have started writing to begin with. It makes perfect sense to some degree. I was hurting deeply when it all began and felt the need to let the pain flow from my heart to the paper, the pen being the medium from which it flowed. And I must admit it helped to some degree. It never eased the pain in my heart from losing that special someone I had loved so dearly. It had only made it more bearable. And that is the most sense that I can make out of it, almost twenty-five years after the fact.
If I ever decided to sit down and write my life story it would never make the first cut, either that or my heart may bleed out before I even hit the teenage years. Yet, I have gotten through it and know that God had always been there, always had his hand on my life, even when I had walked away from him.
In the last year or so I find that I am finally seeing people for who they are. I’m looking at how life is but a drop in the bucket while I also feel like I am running out of time. I seem to be racing against this unknown force, which I gather might be time and I feel as though I am falling so far behind.
We need to do the best with what we have. I have always been a survivor and I know I will continue to be. I also strive for bigger and better goals. Quitting is/was never an option. Sometimes you need to move on from the point that you are at. You can’t go back so you need to go on from exactly where you are. I know they say that tomorrow is another day, but sometimes tomorrow never comes. Morbid, no! Reality, yes!
So, maybe we should do the following:
Sing like no one can hear you.
Dance like no one is watching.
Laugh out loud.
Look around at God’s masterpiece in awe.
Love without conditions.
Never, go to bed angry.
Life is too short so get out there and create some new memories!

Haters / By: Maya Angelou

2009-12-13T12:33:00.002-05:00

My sister passed this on to me in an email and I think it is POWERFUL!
Not only that but it rings TRUE on ALL accounts. Just thought I would
share.

Haters
By Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their
time trying to make you look small so they can look tall.
They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever
good enough!

When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters...

That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your
blessings and your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing
you blessed...

It's dangerous to be like somebody else... If God wanted you to be
like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right?

You never know what people have gone through to get what they
have...

The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they
don't know my story...

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you
can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!

We've all got some haters among us!

Some people envy you because you can:
a) Have a relationship with God
b) Light up a room when you walk in
c) Start your own business
d) Tell a man/woman to hit the curb
(if he/she isn't about the right thing)
e) you are a strong person and don't let people run you over
f) you have a strong and loving marriage and they can't get in-between spouses to spoil it

Haters can't stand to see you happy.
Haters will never want to see you succeed.
Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be
on our side (like some family and friends).

How do you handle your undercover haters?
You can handle these haters by:

1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are
*(VERY IMPORTANT!!)

2. Having a purpose to your life: Purpose does not
mean having a job. You can have a job and still be
unfulfilled.

A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be.
Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.

3. By remembering that what you have is by divine
prerogative and not human manipulation.

Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live...when its your
time to leave this earth, you want to be able to say, 'I've lived my
life and fulfilled my dreams, Now I'm ready to go HOME!

When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at
me...Look at who is in charge of me...'

Matches Aren't Always Made In Heaven

2009-12-05T18:29:00.000-05:00

Matches Aren't Always Made In Heaven
(Installment 1)

As the rain continued to pelt the pavement Jerard pushed himself further back into the doorway while pulling the collar of his brown trench coat up around his ears. There were people hurrying along the sidewalk dodging the drizzle, some with umbrellas and others just rushing to get out of the rain. Heavy clouds hung directly overhead as the rain continued to fall. He’d been in this particular vicinity for about a week and he’d been watching her. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be here and quite honestly he couldn’t recall how he’d stumbled across her path. She was still as beautiful as he’d remembered. Even more so. Time had been kind to Sarah Alders but this wasn’t his assignment and he knew that. But he could not bring himself to leave. Not yet, anyway.
He’d fallen hard for Sarah, but she had never known, had never even suspected it. They weren’t meant to be together and they had both known that. They had come from two different worlds and although at the time Sarah couldn’t see beyond tomorrow Jerard certainly could. He had tasted the regret the moment he had kissed her lips just as he had a twinge of regret now. But kissing her had been unavoidable and the moment their lips had met he had gone down for the count.
Time seemed to crawl as he waited for Sarah to come out of her boyfriend’s apartment which was where he had followed her. A twinge of something familiar hit him furiously but that lasted for only the briefest of moments. This wasn’t the first time that he needed to remind himself that he needed to finish up his assignment and get back home. Yet, he still remained in the doorway looking up at the second floor apartment forlornly.
Jerard shook himself back into the present as Sarah came down the front stairs laughing, the boyfriend close behind. He had a large green umbrella but Sarah stopped him from opening it. All was quiet as Jerard held his breath for a moment. Her hair was shorter than he remembered which in turn caused her brown eyes to look bigger. Liquid brown eyes. The color of melting chocolate. Sarah had been a skinny teenager and not exactly a raving beauty but she’d always had all the right curves in all the right places. And now, she was a woman. Totally different from the frightened little girl he had kissed so tenderly on that balmy summer night so very long ago. It was still hard to believe that he had let her go so easily. But he’d had no choice. It hadn’t been the right time. They hadn’t stood half a chance twenty years ago just as sure as they hadn’t a chance today. Yet, here he was, so close to reaching out to Sarah but still so far away.

From One Mother to Another…

2009-09-18T16:13:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up missing my mother more than usual. There were so many things we hadn’t talked about when she had been alive. Things we probably should have talked about. I had, however, made sure that she hadn’t blamed herself for my foolish mistakes of the past. That is the thing with mistakes. I think Billy Joel said it best. They are truly the only things that we can call our own. Isn’t that the truth?
My relationship with my daughter is pretty good. At least I think it is. We can talk about many things. Even though there are plenty of those occasions when she rolls her eyes when I am getting too personal. “Hey, I’m your mother. It gives me the right to be a royal pain in your butt. I tell you these things, why?”
“Because you love me.” By now, her eyes are still rolling but there is the hint of a smile. As long as she knows that is why I am being so persistent. It is important to me that she knows.
I am not going to be around forever. I need to know that she, as well as my boys, can take care of themselves. Only then, will my job as a mother be complete. My boys have taken on the hard-headed mentality. That’s all right. We’ve all been there. As long as they know that I love them and want the very best for them that life has to offer.
No one understands better than me that you can love someone and not be able to live with them. That was the type of relationship I shared with my mother. I could not live with her but that did not mean I didn’t love her. I found I had a better relationship with her when I didn’t live with her.
I always admired my mom; I thought she had to be one of the strongest women I had ever known. She had single-handedly raised three girls who had turned into some pretty successful women, if I do say so myself. My grandmother had lived with us as well but it had been my mom who ran the house. She raised us to be the best that we could be. And for the time that I had deviated from the plan, God had been watching over me. I thank God that I finally came to my senses, came back into the fold, and had been able to spend some time with my mom before she had unexpectedly passed away three years later.
There are some things I don’t understand. Some things I may never understand. And that’s quite all right. I’m still standing here, unwavering, standing on the promises of God. I’ve come to accept that God’s plan for my life is so much better than anything I can ever hope to achieve. So I wait and I pray to God with an unconditional love that only one mother to another can ever understand.

Midnight Magic - The Rewrite

2009-08-15T10:30:00.000-04:00

I finally took that Ahhh breath this morning when I FINALLY finished this rewrite. I am hoping that this is good enough for them to go ahead. Of course I am just beginning the edits so you never know what can happen now. But it truly is a wonderful feeling to know that you have jumped that last hurdle. I think I just might be over the moon. And coming off a vacation high I would have to say that's pretty good.

Book Signing Sat. 08-08

2009-08-02T11:32:00.001-04:00

Don’t forget…
I will be signing One Enchanted Evening on Saturday, August 8th from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Come out and see me at Sherlock’s Books and Café located at 45 S. New York Rd. in Galloway, New Jersey. I look forward to seeing you all there.

PawPrints

2009-07-30T11:24:00.001-04:00

Everyone who knows me knows the way I feel about my Ratties. Chase and Chelsea are my two babies. I love them with all my heart, much more than I ever thought that I could love another human being; the fact that they are dogs has no bearing on that love. There are people who have no idea what they are missing and that is too bad. A dog loves unconditionally. There are people that can take lessons in that particular department.
When I say that there are absolutely no conditions I mean none. All they ask for is food, water, some attention, and our love in return. They need to be cared for and in return they give us companionship and unconditional love. A dog does not know how to hold a grudge. He does not care if you are not pretty. He doesn't care if you gained a few pounds over the holidays and haven't even started working out. A nice healthy dinner, a scratch behind the ears, and a nice walk will suffice.
Chase is eight and Chelsea is six. Although they are both the same breed, Rat Terriers, they are as different as night and day. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Maybe the same holds true for dogs as well.
Everyone who knows us also knows what we have been through with Chase’s health. I can only thank God that we have come through and now can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been able to put what we had gone through in words because it had been such a nightmare from the very beginning. He’d gone through major surgery and if it’s one thing I have learned about Chase – He is a fighter. You can’t keep a good dog down. He has proven this over and over again, too many times if you ask me. That hospital stay had been hard on all of us. I was amazed at how caring the staff was at the Animal Emergency & Referral Associates located in Fairfield, New Jersey. They had been kind through my tears and concern for my beloved Chase. And it was a relief to feel that they cared and that Chase wasn’t just a meal ticket for someone. Unfortunately they got to know him a little too well but through it all they were there whenever and however many times I called. That was a comfort. Even the doctors got to know Chase and his many quips while he was there. And I was comforted to know that Chase was getting the best care possible. I knew that in my heart.
If I hear “It’s just a dog,” one more time I think I might scream. Both Chase and Chelsea rate as my children. And no one knows this better than a dog lover. I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that Tom and I have such a special bond with our pups that cannot me explained. Our love supersedes unconditional love if that is possible. With God on our side we have remained positive as we had weathered some pretty tough waters in the last four months. Chase and Chelsea have left their paw prints all over my clothes, my furniture, but more than that, they left their paw prints all over my heart.

But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…

2009-06-06T10:07:00.002-04:00

“But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
June 2, 2009

Tonight Uncle Jim passed away. Almost three weeks before that Uncle Frank had passed. Both had been my mother’s brothers. The last part of my Mom’s branch passed away tonight and I feel like a leaf blowing in the breeze. I had never looked at it in terms of branches on a family tree until Jackie started asking how everyone was related. From Great Uncles to uncles who were uncles through marriage. From cousins to second cousins and the like. The family tree had never been something I had been interested in learning about. Until now.
To think that an entire branch has passed on forces us to look at our own mortality. We’re the next branch in line. My heart is saddened. I think of my mom and find myself wondering what it would be like if she were here. She had never gotten to see any of my major achievements in life. Then again, didn’t she? She got to see me stand up for what was right, leave an abusive first husband, and start over as a single mom with three small children. She got to see me meet a wonderful man on a blind date, although she didn’t know at that time that he would one day become my husband. She spent a lot of time with my children when they had been small, enjoying them and their antics. She had seen me get my diploma, go back to work, and finally stand on my own two feet.
It’s all a matter of looking at the glass half empty or looking at the glass half full.
Tom and I always talk about Heaven and the way we imagine it to be. When Uncle Frank passed a couple of weeks ago I can so vividly see Mom and Gram waiting to greet him. Of course Uncle Frank is overjoyed being in Heaven, after all, to be in God’s actual presence just has to be awesome! I can picture Mom with a smile saying. “Frankie, what are you doing here?”
And Uncle Frank giving her one of his famous lopsided grins. “I missed you.”
“Missed me.” She says. “I haven’t been gone but a couple of minutes.”
And then there were four. Grandpa, (whom I never got the pleasure of meeting) Gram, Mom, and Uncle Frank waiting silently, reverently, while it is now Uncle Jim’s turn to pass through the pearly gates. There is the brightest of sunshine. There is no more pain, no more tears, and no more sorrow. There is simply perfection. A family reunion ensues!

That’s exactly how I envision it! I wonder if time actually stands still in Heaven. I do believe that the time factor is different. This is not just a mindset. This is an actual promise that God has given to us. Of course there are provisions. All we must do is accept that His son died on the cross for all of our sins and ask His forgiveness and invite Him into our hearts! That’s it! I have taken math exams that were harder than that. Just think everlasting life with the King of Kings and to spend eternity with all of our loved ones. Just to know that simple fact is more than awesome!
Now Uncle Jim joins the rest of his family and we that are left behind are in mourning. We are mourning our loss, or in this case, our recent losses. I know that there will be some days that are harder than others. We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be reminders and memories throughout our own lives. Many of which we will get to share with our children, grandchildren, and if we’re lucky, our great grandchildren.
And then one day we will find ourselves being guided through those same gates that many have passed through before us and our loved ones will be waiting eagerly to greet us. You can be sure that you will hear. “But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”

The Mask

2009-06-03T11:15:00.002-04:00

I’ve been told that we hide behind a mask. I have never really believed it until recently. There are certain things we allow people to see and there are other things we do not. It’s sort of like an omission. I don’t think we plan on doing it, but as we get older we’ve come to realize that when someone asks how we are doing, whether we are doing well or not is not the issue. They are asking to be nice and we just automatically come back with a one word answer and toss the ball back into their court. Why? Because it is something called pleasantries. It’s as simple as that. An acquaintance doesn’t want to hear about Aunt Martha’s ailing back, or about Fluffy’s bringing home a mouse the day before. Although these things are important to us they just do not seem worthy enough to share with a casual acquaintance.
I have a friend who whenever asked how she is doing always goes down the list with every ailment she’s had in the past six months. There are quite a number of people who don’t ask her how she is because of this. Me, I always ask. I feel that maybe the reason she does this is simply because she needs someone to talk to. Someone to commiserate with. Someone to share with how she feels.
For someone like me, who has always spoken her mind, to discover that I hide behind a mask did take me by surprise. I am more than happy to share the “feel good” things in my life but when it comes down to the “not so good” I tend to clam up. Hurt is a hard enough emotion to deal with as it is so why put it out there.
Seems like I learned a hard lesson recently that has me rethinking quite a few different issues. Simply put, some things that we deem important are just better left unsaid. If you feel the need to unload these burdens go to a therapist and unload them there. This boils down to one of my favorite sayings. Sometimes doing the right thing is not always the right thing to do.

Unfinished Business

2009-05-22T16:15:00.002-04:00

I had a nice talk with Jackie this morning. One of those mother daughter chats that me and my mom unfortunately never had. I don’t really know why, and then again, maybe I do. My mom never had really talked to me about dating or the rules of dating. True, I had married young, but we just never had that kind of relationship. In my opinion, Jackie and I have a pretty good relationship. I try to make it a point to talk to her about all of the things my mother never told me. Sure, I am still learning. I sometimes say the wrong thing, none of us are perfect. This morning I asked her about her very first crush. She rolled her eyes as only Jackie can do, but she forgets that I am well informed on these things. I told her about what I refer to as “Unfinished Business”. We’ve had this conversation before. In fact we talked about it a lot as it was something very important to me. I’ve only had this conversation with a select few in my circle who know me very well.
“I know.” She meets my eyes for a brief moment then looks away. “You’re the voice of experience.”
“I just don’t ever want for you to have regrets later on down the line.” I did not add that it was something that I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
She made herself busy at her dresser. I know she doesn’t want to meet my gaze. Maybe because she knows that I will not simply drop the subject and move on. I’m not really sure. I just don’t want her to have any regrets later on. Sure, my circumstances are very different but are we ever really sure of anything? And tomorrow is just one of those things that are never guaranteed. “So, who was he?” I already know the answer and she flushes.
“Mom.”
“Okay.” I concede the point only because I think that she knows that I know who he is. “I just want to make sure. I don’t want you to ever look back and think what if…” What a joke that is, as well as the biggest understatement ever made. What if… Where does my list begin? Actually I don’t think I know where it ends. I don’t want to go there. Not again. And not now! I’ve already had to repair my makeup once today and I’m not going for a second time.
Jackie and I have that special bond. Sometimes I believe that maybe there are some things that should just remain in the past. Maybe we shouldn’t discuss them. Then again, I would like with all my heart to believe that she tries to understand where I’m coming from and as a mother I hope to God that she’ll never have to experience in her life, exactly where I’m coming from.

Homesick By: Mercy Me

2009-05-10T09:17:00.005-04:00

For my cousins Linda and Francine who recently lost their Dad. Hold this song close to your heart and know that where your Dad is today is our final destination and reward. And one day we will see him again!! Our prayers are with you today and always!

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

The Anniversary

2009-04-19T08:23:00.002-04:00

So, I looked at the calendar. And you know what; I go through this every year. Isn’t that what anniversary’s are? But this is an anniversary of a death, followed by bittersweet memories. But aren’t they a time to reflect? Smile at the memories you shared, the ones you could have made but didn’t get the chance, and shed a couple of tears. Okay, more than a couple, I fibbed. And then I heard that song that gets me every time, “Homesick.” (By Mercy Me) And it’s just so awesome, powerful and true that I find myself getting lost in another place in time.
Losing someone special will leave a hole in your heart that no one can fill. And that’s okay, because that’s just the way it is supposed to be. I still don’t quite understand why things happened the way that they did but I know that God was always in control of it all. I know that some people get angry at God when they lose someone close, I never did. I may have gotten angry at people close to the situation but NEVER at God. After all, He is the one who pulled me through what had to be one of the darkest moments of my life. So, tomorrow, when I look at the calendar I will think back on the smiles, to the brief time we had together, and hopefully not to all the things that could have or should have been. I will thank God for the little time that we shared because I know in my heart of hearts that you made me a better person and I will ALWAYS love you for that.

A daily dose of wisdom

2009-03-29T17:44:00.002-04:00

Just when you thought you heard it all. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe. Just when you thought you had it all sewn up. Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water…
Guess what?
Your life gets turned upside down and inside out.
You can never outrun your past. No matter what you do it always seems to be two steps ahead of you. You can love someone so much that it hurts. Sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone you love is to simply walk away and not look back. Regret is what you’ll have if you look back.
When there’s a piece to the puzzle that is simply no where to be found, count on your sister to find it.
There will always be one that got away just as you will always be haunted by a memory of someone dear.
There are days that you’ll hurt more than others, just as there will be days when you’ll want to pack it all in. There will be someone that will stand beside you and love you for who you are and not who they think you should be. There are days when you will have to forgive yourself for being human because we all are.
As the days turn to weeks, the weeks turn to months, and the months turn to years eventually you will find wisdom. You will know what it feels like to have loved and lost. In doing so you will also come to realize that losing is not necessarily a bad thing. Not having loved at all would have been a greater loss.
Sometimes telling a little white lie will save a heart the ache. In order to completely forgive we need to try like hell to forget. Sometimes what you don’t know can be a good thing. Sometimes you realize that the only people in your life you can love unconditionally are your children (and your dogs).
It’s a sad realization when you think that more than half of your life has been spent on the defensive.
It has been said that the truth hurts, and believe me, it does! Whoever said that time heals all wounds must have only had a superficial boo-boo, because some wounds are simply way too deep. If you tell someone a secret you had better trust them with your life. It’s definitely easier to tell the truth because there is no covering up the truth. If you lie even once, you will be forced to lie again to cover up the first lie. Before you know it, you be stuck in a quagmire of deceit. It isn’t worth it. Come clean the first time and you won’t have to remember the web of lies that you needed to cover the first lie in the first place.
If a person lies about something simple just imagine how deep that goes. Always think before you act. Once the words are said it is too late to pull them back. Once a deed is done you can’t change that deed. Once you cross the line you can’t go back.
When you start talking like your parents, don’t look at it as getting old; look at it as you are wising up. It’s okay to sing along with the radio no matter what your kids say even though I remember how mortified I’d been whenever my mom had done it. What I wouldn’t give to have her here with me today, singing off key and all. Maybe we all have to go to the school of hard knocks. I always had to learn everything the hard way. I guess that might be where my kids get it from. The key here is that you need to learn something from your mistakes.

Update on Chase March 15

2009-03-21T09:55:00.004-04:00

It has been the longest four days in history. Thursday night it began with Chase's odd behavior. First chewing on everything he could get in his mouth. Chase never did this as a pup so I immediately knew something was wrong when he began this odd behavior. Next came the vomiting episodes. We thought he was suffering from an upset stomach. But by 10:00 PM we knew that we were heading on up to the vet hospital.We get him up there. They check him out, take blood, inject him with some medication, place a small electrolyte pack under his skin and send us home. I already have Friday off because I am babysitting Miss Jada only now I have Chase in tow because I know that I cannot possibly leave him alone.Aside from that I am only going on an hour's amount of sleep, if that. We know that we have to get Chase in to see the vet today and I am scrambling to make it happen in between sitting for Jada and caring for Chase. Tom and I meet to take Chase to the vet while Z arrives home to help with Jada. Chase gets examined and all we really know is that his stomach is in chaos. We are chalking it up to an upper GI infection. He is given more medications through injections and a monster electrolyte pack under the skin making him look like a little hunchback. He comes home. I go back to sit with Jada and Tom cares for Chase. He seems to be doing better. Has even perked up a bit and even ate a little bit of his new dog food for the new diet he will have to be on for the rest of his life. It seems that we thought we were feeding him a good diet and we were giving him one of the highest in fats dog foods on the market. Well, we took him off that for sure. Friday night he had us up a couple of times to go out, but he was not vomiting. We took this as a good sign. Saturday morning we had to fight with him tooth and nail and we only got half of his medications in him. He lay around on his bed in Tom's easy chair. Tom and I had errands to run and Jackie kept an eye on him. For the most part of the day he was all right. Although he hadn't eaten we thought he was properly hydrated. The vet hospital called to check up on him and I tell them everything is fine. Later that afternoon Chase began going downhill once again. He could not hold water down. He was getting weaker and it was showing. He had to be carried in and out for bathroom trips which were not as frequent as they ought to have been. Bedtime we think is going to be all right because he had held the water down for close to two hours before we had taken him up. Two hours later he threw up all the water. I then brought him downstairs for the rest of the night and we had been up and down. Drinking and vomiting. It was breaking my heart. When Chase finally settled down at about five AM he laid beside me on the couch under the covers and put his head on my chest and looked up at me with those big brown eyes. I knew he was hurting and my heart was breaking. I knew by the morning we were going to be heading up to a more state of the art vet hospital with round the clock care.By nine thirty AM Chase had been admitted to the ICU and was already being well taken care of. It was hard leaving him but we knew that we were doing the right thing for Chase, and he knew it too. He was already getting much needed fluids and medications. He had lost a pound already and that wasn't good.By nine forty five AM we were told that Chase had Pancreastitis.So, now we wait. Chase should be coming home in a couple of days. We just want to see him get better and feel better. This poor pup has been through the mill in the past couple of days. Since then, I have gotten rid of all of the "Junk Foods" and will replenish our pet supply with the food the vet deems okay for Chase. Chelsea will follow in Chase's dietary footsteps as well. She will finish up the Purina Healthy Morsels while Chase will be going on a diet that can only be obtained through the vet. For now we are hopeful, prayerful, and are just waiting for Chase to come home to us again.....

It is now March 21

While we picked Chase up from the hospital on Thursay night he was only home with us a brief time before we were speeding back up to the hospital. We are still waiting. I am on my way up there so I will write more later.

Two Kitchens

2009-03-07T09:04:00.000-05:00

For many years the kitchen had been the focal point or the heartbeat of my family. I had been raised in a family that always believed that the family always sat down to dinner together. That was where everyone shared what was going on in their lives. It was an instant connect with your family. I carried those same beliefs with my children and always made sure that dinner was spent together because I had always considered it important.
Growing up my sisters and I had two kitchens. Didn’t most divorced parents have two of everything? We had Grandma’s kitchen, my mother’s mother lived with us and did most of the cooking. Then we had our step-mother’s, Francine’s, kitchen. Both of these kitchens were the heartbeat of the home. Francine introduced us to beef stew with brown gravy. Well, I must have died and went to heaven. It was the best beef stew that I had ever eaten, and remains as such even today. Everything Francine cooked was out of this world. We always had a big Sunday dinner and the food was positively succulent. Dessert was another story. Everyone we knew raved about Francine’s cream puffs. She cooked everything from scratch. There was no cheating in Francine’s kitchen.
My two sisters and I looked forward to those delectable dinners every Sunday. More often than not my dad would stop at the bakery for bread. He would buy two loaves; one which was for sharing on the way home as we were absolutely ravenous after church. That would hold us over for the delicious meal we knew that Francine would prepare once we arrived.
Now, that we are women and have families of our own we have created our own kitchens, so to speak. I must admit that when we had visited last summer it had been like stepping through a time-warp. I was instantly transported to my childhood, if only for a moment as Francine sent about cooking our favorite meals, which was touching since this was our first trip up north in years. She accepted us into her home as though we had never left and I finally realized that we are still so very much connected. That is what is so wonderful about family. No matter where you might be in your life there is always a place to come home to. And it is definitely okay to have two kitchens, even now.

Midlife Crisis vs. Minor Meltdown

2009-02-25T15:05:00.000-05:00

And how would you know the difference??

For the past five years I have thought that I had Midlife Crises when I have finally reached the conclusion that all I had was a Minor Meltdown. Which should not to be confused with the Major Meltdown that surely must follow the Minor Meltdown. So, now that I have that established I can move right along. Yeah right!!!
With hormone fluctuations that cannot be explained or contained it’s a wonder I can get a grip on any kind of emotion other than raging, crying, or just plain coming out the corner swinging. Men do not seem to understand that most of us (women) are running entirely on emotions. Not of our choice, it is simply the way we are built. And guys, let’s face it, you like the way we’re built, so shut up and deal with it.
I sometimes feel for my husband. I must admit he is learning to keep his lip zipped. He must figure the tangent will end sooner or later, he’s hoping for sooner. There are days I can actually feel the daggers shooting out of my eyes, which can be as sharp as my tongue, if you get me going.
Now, while all of these things are going on let’s keep in mind, that there is a trigger. I am not going off half cocked for no apparent reason. The fuse has been lit and now it’s practically a done deal.
I think that I have finally reached a point in my life where I am fed up with everything. I have come to terms with the things that I know that I have to do, no choice, and since I consider myself a responsible person, I get it done.
Taking a vacation is not an option because I have to come back. It’s a stalemate. There is no winning. So, I will take in a few deep breaths, count to ten, and then I’ll come out swinging. Blame it on PMS!

Ferrets Need Your Help Desperately...

2009-02-03T15:38:00.000-05:00

When I originally heard the story about Tom’s friend losing 25 Ferrets I was devastated. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an animal lover and will do anything to protect our little four legged critters big and small. Then I went and met these wonderful people who run this amazing rescue I was positively floored. These people are truly amazing. Keith and Evelyn who run a Ferret Rescue/Shelter (in their home), Lost their home to a fire! All was lost. They lost 25 Ferrets in that fire and they are devastated!
Please sign this petition to help them rebuild!
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/petition/715975504

I was amazed that through the darkness they could see some light. If you are led to make a donation please do so. The work that they do is so important. I had the privilege to meet Sampson (one of the survivors) and he just cuddled right on up to me. Ordinarily I would have been a goner but as you know Chase and Chelsea being Rat Terriers would not take kindly to a ferret running around. But they are adorable and so loveable. These little furry critters are misunderstood. And please note, they are not rodents. There are many misconceptions regarding these lovable little fuzzies. Please visit the Ferret Rescue/Shelter website and make a donation to this worthy cause today!
http://www.fathernaturesferretrescue.com/

Retrospect and Hindsight

2009-01-27T15:48:00.000-05:00

It’s amazing when you look at things in retrospect. Almost like seeing things in hindsight. I remember thinking, as well as saying, “If I had only done things differently. If only…” But here’s the deal I didn’t do things differently so I am stuck with what I have done and the choices I have made. Although I may not like it, it is all that I have.
People might say it’s that forty thing… Well, as time goes on it only gets better. You begin to realize that if you tell so and so how you feel the sky will NOT come crashing down and that life as you know it will not come to a screeching halt. Forty can be a wonderful thing if you embrace it. In the beginning I had fought it tooth and nail. When thirty-nine came and went it felt almost surreal. A couple of months earlier it was like a change was taking a hold of me. And it wasn’t just a case of hormones going in and out of flux, it was something indefinable. I was changing. There was something going on that was unexplainable and instead of fighting it, I embraced it.
I must have spent my entire life fighting something. I was always going against the grain but that simply meant that I was standing up for what was right. It was also something that made me the person that I was and am today. The times when I thought I had been the weakest had been the times when I had come out the strongest. Times when I had been kicked down could not be measured by the times when I had gotten up again, only stronger.
There are times when you might feel you are at your weakest point. Life is just repeatedly pulling you down. Those are the times that count. Those are the times when you have to dig your heels in and remain constant.
With the way that my life has flowed I sometimes cannot remember how I had gotten to this place in my life. If you would have told me that things would have turned out this way about fifteen or twenty years ago I would have told you that you are crazy. But that is life, with its crazy twists and turns. I also know, deep down in my heart, that most of the things that I did were things I HAD to do. No choices. They were things I did because they were the right thing to do. Simple enough. I wish it were. However, in the scheme of things, I know that one of these days things will turn around and I will be on the inside once again. Of course the question that remains will always be, is that where I’m supposed to be? As my mother once said, “A little adversity never hurt anyone.”
In my case, it made me stronger. There were people who thought I would fail and who knows maybe they believe that I have. I feel bad for them because they will never know true peace. The difference between us is that I have gotten up off the floor twenty years ago while they are still down there. So while they may think they’re on the inside, be advised, “You’re not…” In the end the truth will prevail. It always does. I may not have arrived and that’s all right. I will eventually get there. I am in no hurry. I just want to know that when I finally get there I will hear. “Well done thou faithful servant.”
I realize I still have a long way to go… however, the path remains straight.

Who is Driving??

2009-01-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

Another new year!! I had purposed in my heart that it is going to be a good one. Despite what can be tossed my way, I am digging my heels in for the duration. I'm standing strong on quite a number of issues this year. Which is not really any different than any other year, then again, maybe it is...

Some things never change and some things have to change. I am standing firm on many things and I will NOT be moved. You would think that by now the people in my life would know some of the following words that I live by.

1) Loyalty

2) Honesty

3) Integrity

No, I am not perfect, not even close, but here it is. I strive to be a better person. I have definitely not arrived and doubt I will be arriving any time soon. I want to be able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror and be able to live with the kind of person I have turned out to be. And while I know there are so many things that I have yet to change, I am trying. I pray every day for God's blessings, wisdom, and His generous favor. If I have learned one thing - With God on my side, I can do anything. I cannot imagine living my life without God in it. I would only be flying by the seat of my pants. God is is the driver's seat and I am only the co-pilot. Quite honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way!!

Sweet Christmas Memories

2008-12-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

The Christmas holiday is almost upon us and I must admit that I am just going through the motions. I pulled off my first shop of the season last night and was quite proud that I actually stuck to the list that I had prepared on the fly. Part of my problems with any kind of shopping is that I always seem to deviate from the plan but I must say that last night was a success. One more time out and I should be finished.
I didn’t bake one cookie this year. But there is still time, and if anything I really need to bake a batch of snowball cookies. Now, that is tradition. But like everything else, traditions change. The kids get older, they tend to want to do their own thing and slowly but surely the traditions seem to fade away. I remember when the high point of Christmas Eve was when Tom pulled out the classic picture book of Twas The Night Before Christmas, and the kids would gather all around as we lit the snowball candle, dimmed the lights, and Tom read from the timeless story. We knew the story by heart but it was our special tradition. Tom passed the book off to Joe probably about three years ago and somehow it ended up back on our bookshelf. I was dusting the bookcase the other day and pulled it out to get a look at the notes that had been scribbled on the inside of the jacket. A scribbled note for each year. It actually brought me back in time. The memories of three little kids, now adults, sitting on the floor with wide eyes as Tom recited the precious story of Santa Claus while sharing the bright illustrations before turning each page. Where has the time gone?
Families need to have more traditions. Spending precious time together whether it is over dinner or while watching a football game. The commercial Nick At Nite has been airing for some time now regarding spending time at the family table is one that is close to my heart. When the kids were growing up I was adamant with everyone sitting down at the table and sharing dinner together. We sat down to dinner every night and we talked about everyone’s day while we ate. This was considered an important part of the day for me and I looked forward to hearing about everyone’s day. And it kept us abreast as to what was going on in each other’s lives.
This year will be a little bit different. It is the first time I am not hosting dinner at my home. My baby sister is doing the honors and quite honestly I don’t think I am going to miss rushing around with the many preparations. I am going to take it easy and enjoy the little ones.
There is something magical about getting up early in the morning with the kids wide eyed expression as they are taking in the decorated tree with all of the pretty wrapped packages beneath. Those are the days I miss and now I get to share them with my grandchildren. Nothing compares to seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes.

Time Waits for no one...

2008-12-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

You might ask where all the time has gone. Like quite a few of my rants which begin with - give me back the moment…
I think this all goes back to memories. Time waits for none of us. It goes on and we either keep up with it or fall behind. Tom and I were talking last night, we’re in bed and he’s facing me, Chase is lying between us, which is not unusual as this pup thinks he is human and has as much of a right to my bed as I do. Tom says simply. “Your forties are going fast.”
I was insulted. My forties! As though he’s not in it with me. He’s smiling and I remind him that I do NOT like being reminded of my age, then again name one woman that does. Then I start doing the math, and I don’t like it, this aging thing. Since I have turned forty I have been saying that forty is the new twenty, but who am I kidding? I do NOT feel like I’m twenty, not even close. Then I come to realize, I don’t want to be twenty, so what is all the hype about? Vaguely I remember my mom saying there was nothing wrong with growing old gracefully. Here I am with the Avon ANEW vs. Oil of Olay. I find myself preaching to Jackie about different moisturizers and how she needs to start using these products NOW. And I find myself moisturizing morning, noon, and night. I have different creams for so many different things. When I say that I have at least fifteen different lotions, potions, and creams on my dresser I am not kidding. Not to mention all of those eye creams, eye serums and wrinkle creams. I refuse to grow old gracefully or any other way. In fact, I intend to fight it every step of the way.

Turning forty, kicking ass, and finding independence... Not necessarily in that order...

2008-11-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

When have the years begun to blur together? I would have to say most likely after forty. I’ve always been one of those women who shot straight from the hip; at least I had always thought so. Then I turned forty and BANG! Overnight I turned into this bad ass that was through taking crap. And that is putting it nicely. There must have been a switch that was turned on and I became a woman who COULD and WOULD kick your ass should the situation arise.
I’ve always known that I had more balls than most women and even more so when it came to my kids. That is what is called the maternal instinct. Someone messes with your kid and it quickly becomes kick ass time. My motto, “The bigger they are the harder they fall.” I lived it and I sure as hell believed it. I went up against guys that were six feet plus if that meant protecting my kid(s). It’s a jungle out there.
I’ve always been a firm believer in standing up for what is right. It’s easier to go along with the crowd. That’s just the way it is but standing up and being heard is having the balls to stand up for what is right. It’s not always easy. Sometimes you have to admit defeat and that’s all right.
A couple of weeks ago my daughter came up to me and said. “I’m sick of this crap.”
I just looked at her. After all, she’s only twenty five, how much crap are we talking about? Then again I was kicking major ass at her age so I could relate. Then again I also had three kids when I was her age.
“You always had the balls in our family.” She stated simply. “Thank God I take after you.”
I did not disagree. I know for the most part Jackie and I are on the same wave length. She knows where I stand on certain issues and how I shoot straight from the hip. Just because you are my child does NOT automatically make you right in my eyes. I’ve made it crystal clear to ALL of my children just as my mother had made it crystal clear to me.
My mother, God rest her soul, was in her own way, a strong woman. I believe that she taught her children one very important thing and that was independence. I believe that is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. Granted, it took some of us a little longer to get there but in the long run, getting there is one of the greatest things I have ever achieved. With age comes wisdom. I’ve often heard that youth is wasted on the young and isn’t that the truth…

Living in the Midst of Domestic Violence (1)

2008-10-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

Living in the midst of Domestic Violence is like always walking on egg shells. You learn trigger words but those trigger words seem to change all the time. You learn how to read moods but those seem to change just as quickly. There is not one set of rules. For every situation there is another set of rules. This sounds like a dog chasing its tail and believe me it can be. What worked yesterday will not necessarily work today and so on. Talk about quick thinking and when the answer is wrong, guess what? Eruption.

I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to get some kind of handle on this epidemic. Domestic Violence does not discriminate. If it has touched you in some shape or form you can probably relate to this subject and if you haven’t you don’t know how lucky you are. What many people do not realize is that once it happens to you, you are unlikely to ever forget it. Domestic Violence will leave its mark.

So, your boyfriend has pushed, slapped, or smacked you. Did he also tell you that it was your fault that he did it? Did he tell you how you pushed for a beating? Or maybe he apologized and said how he’d never do it again. All forms of Domestic Violence. It usually starts small. It begins with a push or a shove. Maybe some name calling, (Verbal Abuse) added to the mix. It begins gradually which is how many women get caught in its clutches. You can try to rationalize every move you make but you will never make any sense out of it.

What to do? Get out while you still can. For Immediate Assistance:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-733-SAFE (7233) or
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
National Center for Victims of Crime:
1-800-394-2255

It only takes a moment...

2008-10-11T11:48:00.000-04:00

It only takes a moment… A single heart stopping moment and tragedy can strike. I have always heard that, have always known that, and last night I lived that. But to think that it had all been avoidable makes it even harder to digest. The price of going on automatic pilot can quite literally cause tragedy to strike.
It began as an ordinary day. I got up, took care of the pups, showered and went to work. Another ordinary day at work. But there was a difference; around noon my blood sugar must have nosedived as I got the shakes big time. I ate lunch and grabbed some candy to stop the shakiness. I went home, took out the pups in the yard, and played a game of baby (ball) with Chase and Chelsea. I don’t know how Chase had injured his back paw but he had been limping a little but other than that I just thought he needed to walk it off. I go back to work, come home, and start dinner. Chelsea was underfoot but whenever there is food Chelsea is underfoot. I checked on Chase quickly and spotted him in his bed right under the computer. There was nothing unusual about that. I go about preparing dinner happy in the fact that Tom and I can have some alone time as the kids are working.
I have everything almost ready when Tom gets in. I freeze when I hear, “What is wrong with Chase, he can’t stand up.” He could not put his weight on his back foot. You know me with my hotline numbers. I know we will be going to the vet tonight. I get on the phone with the vet and we have an appointment in an hour. You know those are usually the longest hours of your life.
By this time we wolf down dinner and I carry Chase out to the car. Anyone who knows us knows how Chase dislikes the vet with a passion and almost always works himself into a tailspin when we go.
The doctor sees him and thank God it’s nothing serious. Chase will be put on an anti-inflammatory pill and needs to stay off the foot. I take care of the bill while Tom takes Chase outside and then we head for home.
Once at home and that’s where things go awry. By awry I mean a tragedy almost happened. Jackie had already prepared Chase’s meal and I wanted to get the pill into him ASAP. Rushing around I grab the pill bottle from my bag and head to the kitchen where I get a piece of bologna from the fridge and toss in the pill as well as Chase’s ¼ pill (Cosequin) which is glucosamine for dogs.
Chase has finished dinner and while I am getting ready to head out the door for my three mile walk I reach for my handbag. Usually I just toss it into my gym bag but instead I reach inside and pull out a bottle of pills. I look at the green bottle in a state of shock as I race for the kitchen where Chase’s meds are kept in a Mukasa candy dish on the table and my heart hit the floor. In with his meds is one of my bottles of pills. If you could understand for the briefest of seconds how my heart felt as though it had stopped. I had given Chase one of my Ibuprofen pills. To say I freaked out would be an understatement for the way I reacted. I got the vet’s office on the phone and was told by one of the girls that all the doctors were gone for the evening. Not what I wanted to hear. I knew what needed to be done. Chase needed to throw up that pill but I needed to know how to make him do that. The young girl gave me the number of the emergency vet which was a couple of towns away. I was afraid there wouldn’t be time. This woman who answered the phone was the sweetest woman I have spoken to in a long time. She knew how distraught I was. She knew the guilt I felt without me saying it aloud though I did, more than once. I didn’t have time to feel devastated by what I had done. I had to make it right.
Her name is Cathy, and she talked me through the whole ordeal. Jackie was running for the hydrogen peroxide, which I didn’t know if we had any. I was to give Chase ½ tablespoon and wait five minutes. If he didn’t vomit, I could repeat that process. My hands were shaking so bad that I spilled at least ¼ cup all over the kitchen table. Chase was fighting me tooth and nail. He didn’t want to take the peroxide, not that I blamed him. But this was life or death and I forced it down his throat. Cathy, bless her heart, was on the phone with us the entire time. She said it wasn’t going to be a pretty job but I had to look for that pill carefully when the contents of what was in his belly came up. This was my pup I would have no problem doing what needed to be done to save his life. And not even a minute later, which seemed an eternity, Chase gave up dinner all over the kitchen floor. Tom held him still, while Jackie stood by. I was on the floor and thank God on the bottom of the pile there was that blessed piece of bologna with both pills still wrapped tightly inside and completely intact.
A little while later I sat on the couch with Chase cradled in my arms the gym long forgotten. At that point in time the only thing that mattered to me was the fact that Chase would be all right.
I still couldn’t believe how careless I had been. I was angry with myself so no one had to tell me how I screwed up because I already knew it. All it takes is a split second. Your life can change in a split second because of stupidity. And this had to be stupidity at its finest. Chase has forgiven me; the problem is that I haven’t forgiven myself.
Thinking about it all in retrospect I cringe but what really stands out well beyond the fact that it was a careless thing to do is the fact that usually I toss my handbag into my gym bag and just head out to the gym. What made me reach into my handbag a second time? There wasn’t any reason for me to do so; there was nothing I needed at that moment. I know it was God leading me by the hand to find that bottle of pills otherwise I would have gotten a call from Tom that wouldn’t have been pretty because had we not caught this in time there was no doubt in my mind that Chase would not have made it. So why did I reach into my handbag a second time? Beyond the shadow of a doubt it was God showing me the horrible mistake I had made. Sometimes we have an intuition or a feeling or a vibe and we just shrug it off. Maybe we just need to be still for a moment and let God lead us.
This morning when I gave Chase his pills he wasn’t falling for the bologna bit. He knew there were pills in that bologna and he spit them out along with the bologna. When people say that dogs don’t remember they don’t know what they are talking about. Chase remembers the details clearly so now I think I might have to switch from bologna to chicken and quite honestly I know there won’t be a problem with that choice of meat as Chase loves chicken.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness

2008-10-04T08:44:00.000-04:00

Domestic Violence in a nutshell…

Only turtles live in a shell. So do battered women. For years I’ve tried to understand how I had lived in one of those shells. I tried to remember exactly when it had happened, and I couldn’t. I can only say that it didn’t happen overnight. If it had I would have seen it coming.
Sometimes I find myself deep in thought, going back to another place in time. Many of these memories or flashbacks seem muddled, almost as though seeing them through a hazy fog. They can be surreal but I know that they happened. At first I would minimize the abuse. “Did it really happen that way?” I would question myself. “Did he really have his hands around my throat while squeezing the breath out of me?” The problem with many of these questions is simply this; I wouldn’t do this to someone I hated (strong word) never mind someone I claimed to love. To this day, almost twenty years later, I still have a hard time comprehending this. For the life of me, it eludes me. And that was the bottom line, in order to save my life, I had to leave. I had run out of choices because sooner or later this man was going to kill me.
If, as you are reading this, you cannot comprehend such a thing happening, I would consider you fortunate. The sad reality is that one out of four women can relate to some kind of relationship violence. This epidemic is soaring out of control and seems uncontainable. What happens in your home stays in your home. Not if it can kill you!
After the initial beating he seems genuinely sorry. He may even shed some tears and this is where many women weaken. If he agrees to get help and goes through on the promise to get that help your relationship may be salvageable. I won’t say that people cannot change but they have to want to change. Paying lip service to this change is not good enough. He needs to go through with it. We tend to leave it there until the next time the violence erupts. Next time it may be too late.I thought if people knew about my situation they would look at me differently. Some did and some knew that something was wrong though they didn’t know what it was at the time. And there were other people that knew damned well what was going on. These people can help you but initially you need to step up to the plate and accept that help. It won’t be easy but in order to save your life you’ll need to make the stand. To say once you walk out that door your problems will be history is a lie but the rock on your chest will be lifted. What you need to realize is that once you make the decision to free yourself from this disease you will thrive. You will realize that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. Every day is another step in the direction of becoming independent. One day you will be able to look back and say that although those were some pretty bleak times that you are a survivor and being a survivor and not a statistic has made you the person you are today. Tell your story, because in turn it may save someone’s life.

It's all in the family...

2008-09-27T09:57:00.000-04:00

Getting older and you start thinking. This can be a very dangerous place to be. I am sticking with my resolution that 40 is the new 20. In fact, I’ve stopped counting at 39. As for what happens after that, well, it’s anyone’s guess.
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. No wonder why I’d choose to write romance. I need ‘happily ever after.’ But am I the only one? I need a handsome hero willing to walk through the fire for his ladylove. I need that ahhh when he sweeps her into his arms for that earth shattering kiss. And if I’m not writing steamy romance I am sure in the hell reading it.
I remember when I first thought about writing a book. I was twenty-one years old. I had just had my third child, yes I’m a young mother, and I had that one heart stopping moment when I realized that I had a lot to say.
It didn’t take me 20 years to write a book, thank goodness. In fact, I had written five manuscripts prior to One Enchanted Evening. I had also written short stories, some poetry, and I kept a journal.
My very first story was heartfelt, and written, rewritten, probably a good five times. I remember when I began writing it I didn’t have a title. In fact, I didn’t have a title for that story until it had been completed and when it came to me I had been sleeping. That same story had been written longhand. I soon graduated to a typewriter but that entire story had been written in a notebook. I must admit that I’ve come a long way since then. Talk about writer’s cramp.
Writing was my sanity in a world that I believed to be mixed up. I took care of three children in the sticks (PA) and after I put them down at night I would sit with my notebook in hand and I would write well into the night.
This writing thing definitely runs in the family. My father is a song writer, what is a song, but a short story. My sisters, both write in some form, whether its short stories, poetry, or screen plays; my brothers, likewise. I am waiting for my children to get the bug. Joey has it in him to write, he just needs to dig deep inside and pull it out. Mark is the artist; He has been drawing since he was five when he placed a piece of paper onto the window to trace something. I had asked what he was doing and he said he was tracing a picture. I told him to put the paper back down on the table and draw it the way he seen it and he’s been drawing ever since. He actually did the cover art for One Enchanted Evening and Jackie, well, maybe Jackie was meant to be on the editing end because she is a great help to me with that. She seems to have an eye for words that do and do not go together. She has no problem telling me if my ideas are fantastic, mediocre, or are just plain out there. I respect her opinions as she is well within the age group in which I am writing, what better source is there than that?
I try to write something every day. Whether it’s a couple of words, a sentence, or a couple of pages it is important that I get something down. Lately one of my biggest problems is time. There is never enough time in the day. Today, I’ve made a new resolution. I’ve had to do the same where the gym and exercise was concerned. I need to work my brain just as importantly as I need to work my body. So, for the next hour I am going to complete both of my blogs while rocking to Bon Jovi. Not a bad deal, if I do say so myself.

Are you Green?

2008-09-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

I've been steadily Going Green for some time now. Call it Going Green, Recycling, Environmentally Friendly, I think you get the picture. Lately I have been considering a Compost box but the only thing stopping me is the unwelcome visitors that might decide they want to move in. I'm always looking for greener ways and quite honestly if everyone did just a little bit to help the environment we can make a difference.
I recycle anything that can be recycled. Plastic bottles, cans, cardboard, magazines, paper... and so forth. We need to share ideas. Sometimes it can be something as simple as not running the water while you're brushing your teeth. Believe it or not, some people don't think about it but bring it to their attention and they will be more conscious of it the next time they are doing it.
I have watched people driving on the parkway and tossing their trash out the window as they go. Why can't they put it in a trash receptical when they reach their destination? There are some people that will throw anything out the window. From cigarrette butts to dirty diapers, I have seen it tossed out the window without any regard. I've seen signs posted against littering but I have never seen anyone actually get a fine for tossing their garbage.

Here are a couple of tips and hopefully you can add to the list.

1) If possible use cloth napkins instead of paper.
2) Use silverware instead of plastic throw-aways.
3) If you must use disposible plates, use paper and not styrophone.
4) Don't run the water while washing dishes.
5) Don't run the water while brushing teeth.
6) Reuse brown/plastic bags for shopping. You get a couple of cents when you do and you also save a tree. You can also buy the cloth bags that the supermarket offers. They are durable, and you get double what you'd get for a regular bag.
7) Use Green Friendly cleaners, they are so much safer all the way around.
8) Reuse packing material/boxes instead of throwing them away.
9) Junk mail can be recycled.

Welcome to my "Blog Bandwagon"

2008-09-06T20:37:00.000-04:00

So, I wanted to jump on the "Blog Bandwagon"!! I've blogged on MySpace, Author's Den, even over at Sandra's Stuff. How many rants can one person have... In my case, many. So, I'm moving on and I'm moving up. Come and find me. It won't be difficult. I'm working on a new short story that I may put up in installments.
Writing is my passion. Whether it's blogging, poetry, short stories I put my heart in all of it. Please check out my contemp romance titled One Enchanted Evening available through Trafford. Don't be shy, let me know what you think!