Retrospect and Hindsight

It’s amazing when you look at things in retrospect. Almost like seeing things in hindsight. I remember thinking, as well as saying, “If I had only done things differently. If only…” But here’s the deal I didn’t do things differently so I am stuck with what I have done and the choices I have made. Although I may not like it, it is all that I have.
People might say it’s that forty thing… Well, as time goes on it only gets better. You begin to realize that if you tell so and so how you feel the sky will NOT come crashing down and that life as you know it will not come to a screeching halt. Forty can be a wonderful thing if you embrace it. In the beginning I had fought it tooth and nail. When thirty-nine came and went it felt almost surreal. A couple of months earlier it was like a change was taking a hold of me. And it wasn’t just a case of hormones going in and out of flux, it was something indefinable. I was changing. There was something going on that was unexplainable and instead of fighting it, I embraced it.
I must have spent my entire life fighting something. I was always going against the grain but that simply meant that I was standing up for what was right. It was also something that made me the person that I was and am today. The times when I thought I had been the weakest had been the times when I had come out the strongest. Times when I had been kicked down could not be measured by the times when I had gotten up again, only stronger.
There are times when you might feel you are at your weakest point. Life is just repeatedly pulling you down. Those are the times that count. Those are the times when you have to dig your heels in and remain constant.
With the way that my life has flowed I sometimes cannot remember how I had gotten to this place in my life. If you would have told me that things would have turned out this way about fifteen or twenty years ago I would have told you that you are crazy. But that is life, with its crazy twists and turns. I also know, deep down in my heart, that most of the things that I did were things I HAD to do. No choices. They were things I did because they were the right thing to do. Simple enough. I wish it were. However, in the scheme of things, I know that one of these days things will turn around and I will be on the inside once again. Of course the question that remains will always be, is that where I’m supposed to be? As my mother once said, “A little adversity never hurt anyone.”
In my case, it made me stronger. There were people who thought I would fail and who knows maybe they believe that I have. I feel bad for them because they will never know true peace. The difference between us is that I have gotten up off the floor twenty years ago while they are still down there. So while they may think they’re on the inside, be advised, “You’re not…” In the end the truth will prevail. It always does. I may not have arrived and that’s all right. I will eventually get there. I am in no hurry. I just want to know that when I finally get there I will hear. “Well done thou faithful servant.”
I realize I still have a long way to go… however, the path remains straight.