Everyone who knows me knows the way I feel about my Ratties. Chase and Chelsea are my two babies. I love them with all my heart, much more than I ever thought that I could love another human being; the fact that they are dogs has no bearing on that love. There are people who have no idea what they are missing and that is too bad. A dog loves unconditionally. There are people that can take lessons in that particular department.
When I say that there are absolutely no conditions I mean none. All they ask for is food, water, some attention, and our love in return. They need to be cared for and in return they give us companionship and unconditional love. A dog does not know how to hold a grudge. He does not care if you are not pretty. He doesn't care if you gained a few pounds over the holidays and haven't even started working out. A nice healthy dinner, a scratch behind the ears, and a nice walk will suffice.
Chase is eight and Chelsea is six. Although they are both the same breed, Rat Terriers, they are as different as night and day. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Maybe the same holds true for dogs as well.
Everyone who knows us also knows what we have been through with Chase’s health. I can only thank God that we have come through and now can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been able to put what we had gone through in words because it had been such a nightmare from the very beginning. He’d gone through major surgery and if it’s one thing I have learned about Chase – He is a fighter. You can’t keep a good dog down. He has proven this over and over again, too many times if you ask me. That hospital stay had been hard on all of us. I was amazed at how caring the staff was at the Animal Emergency & Referral Associates located in Fairfield, New Jersey. They had been kind through my tears and concern for my beloved Chase. And it was a relief to feel that they cared and that Chase wasn’t just a meal ticket for someone. Unfortunately they got to know him a little too well but through it all they were there whenever and however many times I called. That was a comfort. Even the doctors got to know Chase and his many quips while he was there. And I was comforted to know that Chase was getting the best care possible. I knew that in my heart.
If I hear “It’s just a dog,” one more time I think I might scream. Both Chase and Chelsea rate as my children. And no one knows this better than a dog lover. I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that Tom and I have such a special bond with our pups that cannot me explained. Our love supersedes unconditional love if that is possible. With God on our side we have remained positive as we had weathered some pretty tough waters in the last four months. Chase and Chelsea have left their paw prints all over my clothes, my furniture, but more than that, they left their paw prints all over my heart.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…
“But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
June 2, 2009
Tonight Uncle Jim passed away. Almost three weeks before that Uncle Frank had passed. Both had been my mother’s brothers. The last part of my Mom’s branch passed away tonight and I feel like a leaf blowing in the breeze. I had never looked at it in terms of branches on a family tree until Jackie started asking how everyone was related. From Great Uncles to uncles who were uncles through marriage. From cousins to second cousins and the like. The family tree had never been something I had been interested in learning about. Until now.
To think that an entire branch has passed on forces us to look at our own mortality. We’re the next branch in line. My heart is saddened. I think of my mom and find myself wondering what it would be like if she were here. She had never gotten to see any of my major achievements in life. Then again, didn’t she? She got to see me stand up for what was right, leave an abusive first husband, and start over as a single mom with three small children. She got to see me meet a wonderful man on a blind date, although she didn’t know at that time that he would one day become my husband. She spent a lot of time with my children when they had been small, enjoying them and their antics. She had seen me get my diploma, go back to work, and finally stand on my own two feet.
It’s all a matter of looking at the glass half empty or looking at the glass half full.
Tom and I always talk about Heaven and the way we imagine it to be. When Uncle Frank passed a couple of weeks ago I can so vividly see Mom and Gram waiting to greet him. Of course Uncle Frank is overjoyed being in Heaven, after all, to be in God’s actual presence just has to be awesome! I can picture Mom with a smile saying. “Frankie, what are you doing here?”
And Uncle Frank giving her one of his famous lopsided grins. “I missed you.”
“Missed me.” She says. “I haven’t been gone but a couple of minutes.”
And then there were four. Grandpa, (whom I never got the pleasure of meeting) Gram, Mom, and Uncle Frank waiting silently, reverently, while it is now Uncle Jim’s turn to pass through the pearly gates. There is the brightest of sunshine. There is no more pain, no more tears, and no more sorrow. There is simply perfection. A family reunion ensues!
That’s exactly how I envision it! I wonder if time actually stands still in Heaven. I do believe that the time factor is different. This is not just a mindset. This is an actual promise that God has given to us. Of course there are provisions. All we must do is accept that His son died on the cross for all of our sins and ask His forgiveness and invite Him into our hearts! That’s it! I have taken math exams that were harder than that. Just think everlasting life with the King of Kings and to spend eternity with all of our loved ones. Just to know that simple fact is more than awesome!
Now Uncle Jim joins the rest of his family and we that are left behind are in mourning. We are mourning our loss, or in this case, our recent losses. I know that there will be some days that are harder than others. We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be reminders and memories throughout our own lives. Many of which we will get to share with our children, grandchildren, and if we’re lucky, our great grandchildren.
And then one day we will find ourselves being guided through those same gates that many have passed through before us and our loved ones will be waiting eagerly to greet us. You can be sure that you will hear. “But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
June 2, 2009
Tonight Uncle Jim passed away. Almost three weeks before that Uncle Frank had passed. Both had been my mother’s brothers. The last part of my Mom’s branch passed away tonight and I feel like a leaf blowing in the breeze. I had never looked at it in terms of branches on a family tree until Jackie started asking how everyone was related. From Great Uncles to uncles who were uncles through marriage. From cousins to second cousins and the like. The family tree had never been something I had been interested in learning about. Until now.
To think that an entire branch has passed on forces us to look at our own mortality. We’re the next branch in line. My heart is saddened. I think of my mom and find myself wondering what it would be like if she were here. She had never gotten to see any of my major achievements in life. Then again, didn’t she? She got to see me stand up for what was right, leave an abusive first husband, and start over as a single mom with three small children. She got to see me meet a wonderful man on a blind date, although she didn’t know at that time that he would one day become my husband. She spent a lot of time with my children when they had been small, enjoying them and their antics. She had seen me get my diploma, go back to work, and finally stand on my own two feet.
It’s all a matter of looking at the glass half empty or looking at the glass half full.
Tom and I always talk about Heaven and the way we imagine it to be. When Uncle Frank passed a couple of weeks ago I can so vividly see Mom and Gram waiting to greet him. Of course Uncle Frank is overjoyed being in Heaven, after all, to be in God’s actual presence just has to be awesome! I can picture Mom with a smile saying. “Frankie, what are you doing here?”
And Uncle Frank giving her one of his famous lopsided grins. “I missed you.”
“Missed me.” She says. “I haven’t been gone but a couple of minutes.”
And then there were four. Grandpa, (whom I never got the pleasure of meeting) Gram, Mom, and Uncle Frank waiting silently, reverently, while it is now Uncle Jim’s turn to pass through the pearly gates. There is the brightest of sunshine. There is no more pain, no more tears, and no more sorrow. There is simply perfection. A family reunion ensues!
That’s exactly how I envision it! I wonder if time actually stands still in Heaven. I do believe that the time factor is different. This is not just a mindset. This is an actual promise that God has given to us. Of course there are provisions. All we must do is accept that His son died on the cross for all of our sins and ask His forgiveness and invite Him into our hearts! That’s it! I have taken math exams that were harder than that. Just think everlasting life with the King of Kings and to spend eternity with all of our loved ones. Just to know that simple fact is more than awesome!
Now Uncle Jim joins the rest of his family and we that are left behind are in mourning. We are mourning our loss, or in this case, our recent losses. I know that there will be some days that are harder than others. We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be reminders and memories throughout our own lives. Many of which we will get to share with our children, grandchildren, and if we’re lucky, our great grandchildren.
And then one day we will find ourselves being guided through those same gates that many have passed through before us and our loved ones will be waiting eagerly to greet us. You can be sure that you will hear. “But I’ve only been here a couple of minutes…”
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Mask
I’ve been told that we hide behind a mask. I have never really believed it until recently. There are certain things we allow people to see and there are other things we do not. It’s sort of like an omission. I don’t think we plan on doing it, but as we get older we’ve come to realize that when someone asks how we are doing, whether we are doing well or not is not the issue. They are asking to be nice and we just automatically come back with a one word answer and toss the ball back into their court. Why? Because it is something called pleasantries. It’s as simple as that. An acquaintance doesn’t want to hear about Aunt Martha’s ailing back, or about Fluffy’s bringing home a mouse the day before. Although these things are important to us they just do not seem worthy enough to share with a casual acquaintance.
I have a friend who whenever asked how she is doing always goes down the list with every ailment she’s had in the past six months. There are quite a number of people who don’t ask her how she is because of this. Me, I always ask. I feel that maybe the reason she does this is simply because she needs someone to talk to. Someone to commiserate with. Someone to share with how she feels.
For someone like me, who has always spoken her mind, to discover that I hide behind a mask did take me by surprise. I am more than happy to share the “feel good” things in my life but when it comes down to the “not so good” I tend to clam up. Hurt is a hard enough emotion to deal with as it is so why put it out there.
Seems like I learned a hard lesson recently that has me rethinking quite a few different issues. Simply put, some things that we deem important are just better left unsaid. If you feel the need to unload these burdens go to a therapist and unload them there. This boils down to one of my favorite sayings. Sometimes doing the right thing is not always the right thing to do.
I have a friend who whenever asked how she is doing always goes down the list with every ailment she’s had in the past six months. There are quite a number of people who don’t ask her how she is because of this. Me, I always ask. I feel that maybe the reason she does this is simply because she needs someone to talk to. Someone to commiserate with. Someone to share with how she feels.
For someone like me, who has always spoken her mind, to discover that I hide behind a mask did take me by surprise. I am more than happy to share the “feel good” things in my life but when it comes down to the “not so good” I tend to clam up. Hurt is a hard enough emotion to deal with as it is so why put it out there.
Seems like I learned a hard lesson recently that has me rethinking quite a few different issues. Simply put, some things that we deem important are just better left unsaid. If you feel the need to unload these burdens go to a therapist and unload them there. This boils down to one of my favorite sayings. Sometimes doing the right thing is not always the right thing to do.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Unfinished Business
I had a nice talk with Jackie this morning. One of those mother daughter chats that me and my mom unfortunately never had. I don’t really know why, and then again, maybe I do. My mom never had really talked to me about dating or the rules of dating. True, I had married young, but we just never had that kind of relationship. In my opinion, Jackie and I have a pretty good relationship. I try to make it a point to talk to her about all of the things my mother never told me. Sure, I am still learning. I sometimes say the wrong thing, none of us are perfect. This morning I asked her about her very first crush. She rolled her eyes as only Jackie can do, but she forgets that I am well informed on these things. I told her about what I refer to as “Unfinished Business”. We’ve had this conversation before. In fact we talked about it a lot as it was something very important to me. I’ve only had this conversation with a select few in my circle who know me very well.
“I know.” She meets my eyes for a brief moment then looks away. “You’re the voice of experience.”
“I just don’t ever want for you to have regrets later on down the line.” I did not add that it was something that I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
She made herself busy at her dresser. I know she doesn’t want to meet my gaze. Maybe because she knows that I will not simply drop the subject and move on. I’m not really sure. I just don’t want her to have any regrets later on. Sure, my circumstances are very different but are we ever really sure of anything? And tomorrow is just one of those things that are never guaranteed. “So, who was he?” I already know the answer and she flushes.
“Mom.”
“Okay.” I concede the point only because I think that she knows that I know who he is. “I just want to make sure. I don’t want you to ever look back and think what if…” What a joke that is, as well as the biggest understatement ever made. What if… Where does my list begin? Actually I don’t think I know where it ends. I don’t want to go there. Not again. And not now! I’ve already had to repair my makeup once today and I’m not going for a second time.
Jackie and I have that special bond. Sometimes I believe that maybe there are some things that should just remain in the past. Maybe we shouldn’t discuss them. Then again, I would like with all my heart to believe that she tries to understand where I’m coming from and as a mother I hope to God that she’ll never have to experience in her life, exactly where I’m coming from.
“I know.” She meets my eyes for a brief moment then looks away. “You’re the voice of experience.”
“I just don’t ever want for you to have regrets later on down the line.” I did not add that it was something that I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
She made herself busy at her dresser. I know she doesn’t want to meet my gaze. Maybe because she knows that I will not simply drop the subject and move on. I’m not really sure. I just don’t want her to have any regrets later on. Sure, my circumstances are very different but are we ever really sure of anything? And tomorrow is just one of those things that are never guaranteed. “So, who was he?” I already know the answer and she flushes.
“Mom.”
“Okay.” I concede the point only because I think that she knows that I know who he is. “I just want to make sure. I don’t want you to ever look back and think what if…” What a joke that is, as well as the biggest understatement ever made. What if… Where does my list begin? Actually I don’t think I know where it ends. I don’t want to go there. Not again. And not now! I’ve already had to repair my makeup once today and I’m not going for a second time.
Jackie and I have that special bond. Sometimes I believe that maybe there are some things that should just remain in the past. Maybe we shouldn’t discuss them. Then again, I would like with all my heart to believe that she tries to understand where I’m coming from and as a mother I hope to God that she’ll never have to experience in her life, exactly where I’m coming from.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Homesick By: Mercy Me
For my cousins Linda and Francine who recently lost their Dad. Hold this song close to your heart and know that where your Dad is today is our final destination and reward. And one day we will see him again!! Our prayers are with you today and always!
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Anniversary
So, I looked at the calendar. And you know what; I go through this every year. Isn’t that what anniversary’s are? But this is an anniversary of a death, followed by bittersweet memories. But aren’t they a time to reflect? Smile at the memories you shared, the ones you could have made but didn’t get the chance, and shed a couple of tears. Okay, more than a couple, I fibbed. And then I heard that song that gets me every time, “Homesick.” (By Mercy Me) And it’s just so awesome, powerful and true that I find myself getting lost in another place in time.
Losing someone special will leave a hole in your heart that no one can fill. And that’s okay, because that’s just the way it is supposed to be. I still don’t quite understand why things happened the way that they did but I know that God was always in control of it all. I know that some people get angry at God when they lose someone close, I never did. I may have gotten angry at people close to the situation but NEVER at God. After all, He is the one who pulled me through what had to be one of the darkest moments of my life. So, tomorrow, when I look at the calendar I will think back on the smiles, to the brief time we had together, and hopefully not to all the things that could have or should have been. I will thank God for the little time that we shared because I know in my heart of hearts that you made me a better person and I will ALWAYS love you for that.
Losing someone special will leave a hole in your heart that no one can fill. And that’s okay, because that’s just the way it is supposed to be. I still don’t quite understand why things happened the way that they did but I know that God was always in control of it all. I know that some people get angry at God when they lose someone close, I never did. I may have gotten angry at people close to the situation but NEVER at God. After all, He is the one who pulled me through what had to be one of the darkest moments of my life. So, tomorrow, when I look at the calendar I will think back on the smiles, to the brief time we had together, and hopefully not to all the things that could have or should have been. I will thank God for the little time that we shared because I know in my heart of hearts that you made me a better person and I will ALWAYS love you for that.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A daily dose of wisdom
Just when you thought you heard it all. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe. Just when you thought you had it all sewn up. Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water…
Guess what?
Your life gets turned upside down and inside out.
You can never outrun your past. No matter what you do it always seems to be two steps ahead of you. You can love someone so much that it hurts. Sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone you love is to simply walk away and not look back. Regret is what you’ll have if you look back.
When there’s a piece to the puzzle that is simply no where to be found, count on your sister to find it.
There will always be one that got away just as you will always be haunted by a memory of someone dear.
There are days that you’ll hurt more than others, just as there will be days when you’ll want to pack it all in. There will be someone that will stand beside you and love you for who you are and not who they think you should be. There are days when you will have to forgive yourself for being human because we all are.
As the days turn to weeks, the weeks turn to months, and the months turn to years eventually you will find wisdom. You will know what it feels like to have loved and lost. In doing so you will also come to realize that losing is not necessarily a bad thing. Not having loved at all would have been a greater loss.
Sometimes telling a little white lie will save a heart the ache. In order to completely forgive we need to try like hell to forget. Sometimes what you don’t know can be a good thing. Sometimes you realize that the only people in your life you can love unconditionally are your children (and your dogs).
It’s a sad realization when you think that more than half of your life has been spent on the defensive.
It has been said that the truth hurts, and believe me, it does! Whoever said that time heals all wounds must have only had a superficial boo-boo, because some wounds are simply way too deep. If you tell someone a secret you had better trust them with your life. It’s definitely easier to tell the truth because there is no covering up the truth. If you lie even once, you will be forced to lie again to cover up the first lie. Before you know it, you be stuck in a quagmire of deceit. It isn’t worth it. Come clean the first time and you won’t have to remember the web of lies that you needed to cover the first lie in the first place.
If a person lies about something simple just imagine how deep that goes. Always think before you act. Once the words are said it is too late to pull them back. Once a deed is done you can’t change that deed. Once you cross the line you can’t go back.
When you start talking like your parents, don’t look at it as getting old; look at it as you are wising up. It’s okay to sing along with the radio no matter what your kids say even though I remember how mortified I’d been whenever my mom had done it. What I wouldn’t give to have her here with me today, singing off key and all. Maybe we all have to go to the school of hard knocks. I always had to learn everything the hard way. I guess that might be where my kids get it from. The key here is that you need to learn something from your mistakes.
Guess what?
Your life gets turned upside down and inside out.
You can never outrun your past. No matter what you do it always seems to be two steps ahead of you. You can love someone so much that it hurts. Sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone you love is to simply walk away and not look back. Regret is what you’ll have if you look back.
When there’s a piece to the puzzle that is simply no where to be found, count on your sister to find it.
There will always be one that got away just as you will always be haunted by a memory of someone dear.
There are days that you’ll hurt more than others, just as there will be days when you’ll want to pack it all in. There will be someone that will stand beside you and love you for who you are and not who they think you should be. There are days when you will have to forgive yourself for being human because we all are.
As the days turn to weeks, the weeks turn to months, and the months turn to years eventually you will find wisdom. You will know what it feels like to have loved and lost. In doing so you will also come to realize that losing is not necessarily a bad thing. Not having loved at all would have been a greater loss.
Sometimes telling a little white lie will save a heart the ache. In order to completely forgive we need to try like hell to forget. Sometimes what you don’t know can be a good thing. Sometimes you realize that the only people in your life you can love unconditionally are your children (and your dogs).
It’s a sad realization when you think that more than half of your life has been spent on the defensive.
It has been said that the truth hurts, and believe me, it does! Whoever said that time heals all wounds must have only had a superficial boo-boo, because some wounds are simply way too deep. If you tell someone a secret you had better trust them with your life. It’s definitely easier to tell the truth because there is no covering up the truth. If you lie even once, you will be forced to lie again to cover up the first lie. Before you know it, you be stuck in a quagmire of deceit. It isn’t worth it. Come clean the first time and you won’t have to remember the web of lies that you needed to cover the first lie in the first place.
If a person lies about something simple just imagine how deep that goes. Always think before you act. Once the words are said it is too late to pull them back. Once a deed is done you can’t change that deed. Once you cross the line you can’t go back.
When you start talking like your parents, don’t look at it as getting old; look at it as you are wising up. It’s okay to sing along with the radio no matter what your kids say even though I remember how mortified I’d been whenever my mom had done it. What I wouldn’t give to have her here with me today, singing off key and all. Maybe we all have to go to the school of hard knocks. I always had to learn everything the hard way. I guess that might be where my kids get it from. The key here is that you need to learn something from your mistakes.
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