Forever Purple Flowers

Remembering a special place
It wasn’t just a phase
Memories crystal clear
Never again will I fear

The flowers were in full bloom
When our love became our doom
Even as I have searched
My heart gives a sudden lurch

I will always remember
My first love – so very tender
A crazy world wind affair
The fond memories I’ll hold dear

Separated not only by the miles
I will remember your sweet smile
God’s promise for tomorrow
Forever purple flowers


25 Years = 25 Seconds in Heaven
04-22-2010

Fall Out

We can sit here and rehash every damned thing we ever said or done but what will that change? Not a damned thing. I’ve been searching my whole life for the answers and they simply elude me. I haven’t given up hope but I’m sitting back and taking a breather. The heart is a funny thing. One minute it can be as tough as nails and then just as quickly a sharp word can cause a gash that can actually bleed out. We are all guilty of opening our mouths without thinking of the fallout. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how you slice it that sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow and facing it is ten times worse. My days of walking on eggshells are gone forever. Sure, I think about what I’m going to say before I say it but sometimes when someone hurts us we lash out wanting to hurt them back.
When I was in my twenties, I must have been delusional. Thirties, just getting the falling in love forever thing and the forties... Well, the forties have me rethinking everything I have ever said and everything I have ever done in my life. I think the realization hit me when I recognized the real reason I may have started writing to begin with. It makes perfect sense to some degree. I was hurting deeply when it all began and felt the need to let the pain flow from my heart to the paper, the pen being the medium from which it flowed. And I must admit it helped to some degree. It never eased the pain in my heart from losing that special someone I had loved so dearly. It had only made it more bearable. And that is the most sense that I can make out of it, almost twenty-five years after the fact.
If I ever decided to sit down and write my life story it would never make the first cut, either that or my heart may bleed out before I even hit the teenage years. Yet, I have gotten through it and know that God had always been there, always had his hand on my life, even when I had walked away from him.
In the last year or so I find that I am finally seeing people for who they are. I’m looking at how life is but a drop in the bucket while I also feel like I am running out of time. I seem to be racing against this unknown force, which I gather might be time and I feel as though I am falling so far behind.
We need to do the best with what we have. I have always been a survivor and I know I will continue to be. I also strive for bigger and better goals. Quitting is/was never an option. Sometimes you need to move on from the point that you are at. You can’t go back so you need to go on from exactly where you are. I know they say that tomorrow is another day, but sometimes tomorrow never comes. Morbid, no! Reality, yes!
So, maybe we should do the following:
Sing like no one can hear you.
Dance like no one is watching.
Laugh out loud.
Look around at God’s masterpiece in awe.
Love without conditions.
Never, go to bed angry.
Life is too short so get out there and create some new memories!

A daily dose of wisdom

Just when you thought you heard it all. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe. Just when you thought you had it all sewn up. Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water…
Guess what?
Your life gets turned upside down and inside out.
You can never outrun your past. No matter what you do it always seems to be two steps ahead of you. You can love someone so much that it hurts. Sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone you love is to simply walk away and not look back. Regret is what you’ll have if you look back.
When there’s a piece to the puzzle that is simply no where to be found, count on your sister to find it.
There will always be one that got away just as you will always be haunted by a memory of someone dear.
There are days that you’ll hurt more than others, just as there will be days when you’ll want to pack it all in. There will be someone that will stand beside you and love you for who you are and not who they think you should be. There are days when you will have to forgive yourself for being human because we all are.
As the days turn to weeks, the weeks turn to months, and the months turn to years eventually you will find wisdom. You will know what it feels like to have loved and lost. In doing so you will also come to realize that losing is not necessarily a bad thing. Not having loved at all would have been a greater loss.
Sometimes telling a little white lie will save a heart the ache. In order to completely forgive we need to try like hell to forget. Sometimes what you don’t know can be a good thing. Sometimes you realize that the only people in your life you can love unconditionally are your children (and your dogs).
It’s a sad realization when you think that more than half of your life has been spent on the defensive.
It has been said that the truth hurts, and believe me, it does! Whoever said that time heals all wounds must have only had a superficial boo-boo, because some wounds are simply way too deep. If you tell someone a secret you had better trust them with your life. It’s definitely easier to tell the truth because there is no covering up the truth. If you lie even once, you will be forced to lie again to cover up the first lie. Before you know it, you be stuck in a quagmire of deceit. It isn’t worth it. Come clean the first time and you won’t have to remember the web of lies that you needed to cover the first lie in the first place.
If a person lies about something simple just imagine how deep that goes. Always think before you act. Once the words are said it is too late to pull them back. Once a deed is done you can’t change that deed. Once you cross the line you can’t go back.
When you start talking like your parents, don’t look at it as getting old; look at it as you are wising up. It’s okay to sing along with the radio no matter what your kids say even though I remember how mortified I’d been whenever my mom had done it. What I wouldn’t give to have her here with me today, singing off key and all. Maybe we all have to go to the school of hard knocks. I always had to learn everything the hard way. I guess that might be where my kids get it from. The key here is that you need to learn something from your mistakes.

Sweet Christmas Memories

The Christmas holiday is almost upon us and I must admit that I am just going through the motions. I pulled off my first shop of the season last night and was quite proud that I actually stuck to the list that I had prepared on the fly. Part of my problems with any kind of shopping is that I always seem to deviate from the plan but I must say that last night was a success. One more time out and I should be finished.
I didn’t bake one cookie this year. But there is still time, and if anything I really need to bake a batch of snowball cookies. Now, that is tradition. But like everything else, traditions change. The kids get older, they tend to want to do their own thing and slowly but surely the traditions seem to fade away. I remember when the high point of Christmas Eve was when Tom pulled out the classic picture book of Twas The Night Before Christmas, and the kids would gather all around as we lit the snowball candle, dimmed the lights, and Tom read from the timeless story. We knew the story by heart but it was our special tradition. Tom passed the book off to Joe probably about three years ago and somehow it ended up back on our bookshelf. I was dusting the bookcase the other day and pulled it out to get a look at the notes that had been scribbled on the inside of the jacket. A scribbled note for each year. It actually brought me back in time. The memories of three little kids, now adults, sitting on the floor with wide eyes as Tom recited the precious story of Santa Claus while sharing the bright illustrations before turning each page. Where has the time gone?
Families need to have more traditions. Spending precious time together whether it is over dinner or while watching a football game. The commercial Nick At Nite has been airing for some time now regarding spending time at the family table is one that is close to my heart. When the kids were growing up I was adamant with everyone sitting down at the table and sharing dinner together. We sat down to dinner every night and we talked about everyone’s day while we ate. This was considered an important part of the day for me and I looked forward to hearing about everyone’s day. And it kept us abreast as to what was going on in each other’s lives.
This year will be a little bit different. It is the first time I am not hosting dinner at my home. My baby sister is doing the honors and quite honestly I don’t think I am going to miss rushing around with the many preparations. I am going to take it easy and enjoy the little ones.
There is something magical about getting up early in the morning with the kids wide eyed expression as they are taking in the decorated tree with all of the pretty wrapped packages beneath. Those are the days I miss and now I get to share them with my grandchildren. Nothing compares to seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes.

Time Waits for no one...

You might ask where all the time has gone. Like quite a few of my rants which begin with - give me back the moment…
I think this all goes back to memories. Time waits for none of us. It goes on and we either keep up with it or fall behind. Tom and I were talking last night, we’re in bed and he’s facing me, Chase is lying between us, which is not unusual as this pup thinks he is human and has as much of a right to my bed as I do. Tom says simply. “Your forties are going fast.”
I was insulted. My forties! As though he’s not in it with me. He’s smiling and I remind him that I do NOT like being reminded of my age, then again name one woman that does. Then I start doing the math, and I don’t like it, this aging thing. Since I have turned forty I have been saying that forty is the new twenty, but who am I kidding? I do NOT feel like I’m twenty, not even close. Then I come to realize, I don’t want to be twenty, so what is all the hype about? Vaguely I remember my mom saying there was nothing wrong with growing old gracefully. Here I am with the Avon ANEW vs. Oil of Olay. I find myself preaching to Jackie about different moisturizers and how she needs to start using these products NOW. And I find myself moisturizing morning, noon, and night. I have different creams for so many different things. When I say that I have at least fifteen different lotions, potions, and creams on my dresser I am not kidding. Not to mention all of those eye creams, eye serums and wrinkle creams. I refuse to grow old gracefully or any other way. In fact, I intend to fight it every step of the way.